Friday, December 30, 2011

Phish Pin collector collapses under weight of pins

The latest trend in Phish lot merchandise took an unexpected turn when a fan who claimed to have collected over 200 pins in the past two years collapsed and lay motionless on the sidewalk near Madison Square Garden.

While weighing very little, the unnamed male pin collector had amassed over 100o pins, including 200 Phish pins, many of which were worn on an oversized hoodie, to accommodate the baubles. While trying to get up from his seat at a bar near MSG, he struggled to cross the street. With some help from friends and balancing on waiting taxis, the 20-something fan then fell over, unable to move underneath the weight of the hundreds of tiny Lilliputian metal coffins.

The collection that weighed the fan down:

"The dude has been a FORCE on the pin collecting scene since Hampton. Dude always has extras to trade, hooked me up with a sick pin from 8 and the entire puzzle set from summer 2010. I hope he's OK, but if not, those pins are fair fucking game man."

When reached for comment, the paramedics stated "we've never seen anything like this. It's like he was bogged down by pimp chains, but these are tiny as hell. We're re-hydrating him and hopefully can get some of these pins off him so he can walk, but so far he twitches and lashes out when we try to remove the pins. Its a daunting task."

The fan was reported to be in stable condition at Makisupa Presbyterian. No word if he took his tickets with him or hooked a brother up on the way out.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Brownie fires entire crowd at Biscuits show

Irritated and upset with the crowd’s performance at last night’s Disco Biscuits show, Bassist Marc Brownstein stopped in the middle of Svenghali and announced that the entire crowd was fired.

"I just couldn’t take it anymore. The crowd just was not getting down, I didn’t see them getting into these thick bombs I was dropping and far too many were focused on their cell phones. I expect more from a crowd. So I did what I had to do”

The crowd, while stunned, complied and left the show, which was only two songs into the second set at 2:30 in the morning. “Brownie’s right, we could have done better. No, we should have done better. I’m sorry I let him down,” shared Molly B. Untzington of Floral Park, NY. “I brought my A-game but I have no one to blame but myself. Did you hear that fucking Minions? Shit dude, how was I not dancing with the intensity of a bomb going off?”

Others were not as thrilled and complained at the mass firing but they were reassured when reminded there was a post-post show featuring Orchard Lounge starting at 4am at the Highline Ballroom.

A new crowd was gathered out in front and informed that they were expected to “dance their fucking faces off,” according to a bystander who witnessed the transfer of crowds in and out of the venue. The switch of audience took less than 30 minutes due to the adept crowd-control exhibited by Allen Aucoin who had stepped outside to cool down after sweating for the last two hours and helped speed the transition.

The new crowd consisted of a few dozen Bisco fans who did not have tickets to the original show, dozens of tourists including a Japanese tour group led by Hal Masa, a few Times Square hookers, some homeless folks and a few hundred Occupy Wall Street Protestors who went on to chant "This is what a Bisco crowd looks like" upon entering the building.

The crowd was treated to a House Dog Party Favor->Space Bird Mating Call, although Shem Rah Boo was left unfinished.

Said Brownstein, “This is more like it. I love this crowd! Onto Chicago!”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Phunion's NYE at MSG Wishlist

Because we all want to hear certain songs or see certain things at the 4 upcoming Phish shows, here is The Phunion's staff list of things they are looking for the most to end the year:

10. Phish plays Crowd Control for the Occupy Crowd, location: some random park.

9. Something to make this gram of molly worth it.

8. Lifeboy.

7. A mashup of Thunderstruck and Fuck Your Face. Title: Thunderfuck Your Face.

6. Security guards that don't do their job and let us all get the fuck down wherever there is room.

5. A 30 minute version of anything, as long as it rhymes with Geezer or Schmost.

4. No mention of The National, ever again.

3. A new years gag that has something with houses. after a year of WHAT? and HOUSE, something like singing "OUR HOUSE" with Hugh Laurie on vocals would be expected, if not damn near guaranteed.

2. Gold Soundz.

1. No phish fans complaining about any part of the show (phans can dream, right?)

Happy Holidays from The Phunion. We'll be updating throughout the NYE run, so follow us @thephunion on twitter and stay tuned for news as it happens here at

Monday, December 19, 2011

Phish Fan Parents using days left till NYE as counting lesson for children

Across the country, as Phish fans gear up for the holidays, the countdown to the first notes of Phish that will be played on December 28th is as enticing as Christmas or Hanukkah. But fans countdown not just to the first present under the tree but also to the first notes from Phish, and it has become a popular method for teaching children of Phish fans to count.

Jonah Ostrovsky from Merrick, Long Island, has been doing the countdown with his son, Ryan, for the past three months. "I counted back to when there was 100 days left on September 17th and we counted the number using toys and cards or whatever was around, then we drew the number on paper and put it on the wall in his room so he could see the numbers. I'm getting more and more excited as the days countdown. I think he enjoys it too!"

Ryan, only 6 months old, is far too young to comprehend the intricacies of math, let alone counting from 100 to zero, or even 1 to 10, but the thought that Phish fan parents are taking an important part of their life and making some use of it with their children is reassuring for the next generation.

Parents are encouraged to count numbers while keeping in mind a child's cognitive development and focus on numbers 1-10. Counting down the rest of the days left until December 31st, as of the 21st, would yield 10 days and one number to learn each day through repetition, visual aides and counting aloud.

Younger fans are encouraged to take part in couch tour with their parents all four nights, but keep in mind parents will need to be wary of songs like "Fuck Your Face" and may have to answer questions about "The Meatstick". However, the dances during "Punch You in the Eye" and "Guelah Papyrus" can introduce a child into the world of Phish in a way children will appreciate for the fun and lighthearted nature of the songs.

The math concept of "1 for 3, 2 for 5" is encouraged to be taught no earlier than 3rd grade, as the art of making a deal is not understood until age 9.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

King Wilson: I Fucking Hate Glowsticks

King Wilson, the evil ruler of all of Prussia and Gamehendge, Duke of Lizards and general all around douche weighed in on issue of Glowsticks at Phish shows.

"I Fucking Hate Glowsticks! Seriously, these things are the worst. I'm at a show, they play YEM and they go flying. I'm usually on the floor FOB near the rogue tapers and those god damn sticks come flying. It makes me so angry I want to punch a n00b, right in his fucking eye. Yeah, I've done that before too. Not proud of myself, but I did it!"

Phish fans have recently discussed the merits of Glowsticks at shows, as a planned event to START the 12/28 show has garnered hundreds of attendees via the
Facebook event page but at the same time has led to increased conversation among Phish fans as to the purpose of Glowsticks at shows. Some think they are cool, some think they are annoying, but with the support of King Wilson it is clear that the anti-Glowstick crowd has gained a major endorsement.

"Anyone who agrees with me is cool. If you don't like Glowsticks, we can hang before the show, eat some molly, rip lines, punch n00bs, whatever the fuck ya want. I roll heavy and don't take shit from no one. We rage in ways that are unheard of yet."

Wilson continued, "You know Dave Anver? That guy is a fucking pussy compared to me!"

Harping on his hatred of Glowsticks, he even continued to add credence to the rumor that dub-step DJ Skrillex is the product of improper Glowstick use. "I heard Skrillex ate a glowstick before he started producing that god awful shit fuck music he makes. Serves him right. Fuck him too."

It seems that fans of Glowsticks have their work cut out for them on 12/28, with a vocal opponent leading the fans who hate Glowsticks. 'No i cant have fun!"

"And if Phish plays anything less than a 8 minute Tube, shit is gonna get REAL!"

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Jeff Holdsworth totally loving life

For Phish fans who were wondering, Jeff Holdsworth is doing fine and totally loving life. Emerging from the relative obscurity of life as a computer engineer, Holdsworth sat down with Trey Antipasta from The Phunion to talk about what life is like, 25 years after leaving the band he founded, Phish.

"I can't complain, I have my family, my health. Plus I get to play in a jazz trio every Wednesday night downtown at a martini bar, although they sometimes turn my amp down."

When not working or playing guitar, Jeff has no remorse on leaving Phish, a band that went on to have huge national touring success. "Look, I get $50 every time they play Possum and $75 everytime they play Camel Walk. So in case you missed the last few tours, I'm doing very well thank you very much."

Added Holdsworth, "Finally gonna put a pool in. Aboveground."

Co-workers did not seem to be aware that Holdsworth was one of the founders of Phish. "He talks about it, but we figured he was just talking out his ass, about being in Phish. One day we looked it up and by god, there it is - Jeff playing with Trey. We had no idea."

When the interview resumed, Jeff showed a photo of Trey and him from 1985 photo at UVM. He then silently stared at the photo for 3 minutes, alternating between emotions - first smiling, then a tear, then a look of frustration before turning back to the interview.

"Where were we? Oh right, well, I have my trio to look forward to each week and if fans were to stop down and check it out, that would be pretty sweet. And in case anyone else is reading, I 'try' to keep my calendar pretty open."

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Atmosfarag actually not named after Andy Farag

Stunning Umphrey's fans who have connected the song 'Atmosfarag' to percussionist Andy Farag, the band revealed today that the song was actually named after Farag Foda, an Egyptian writer and satirist of Islamic fundamentalism

'I read 'Discussion on Secularism' in college while I was on a plane and connected 'atmospheric' and 'Farag', not even factoring in that Farag is my last name,' explained Farag. 'Weird, I know, but that's how it happened.'

For a short instrumental, the name Farag fits perfect when referencing Foda. "The song can be played in the background while reading any of his works. I recommend it while reading "We Be or Not to Be. It is truly an amazing book"

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Lizards Demand to see Wilson's Long Form Birth Certificate

Facing growing skepticism from the Lizards, Evil King Wilson is being pressured to produce his long-form birth certificate, to prove that he was born in Gamehendge and not in Freedonia, as a majority of Lizards now believe.

Amid growing concerns that Wilson is indeed unfit to be the Duke of Lizards, a recent poll showed that 53% of Lizards believed Wilson to have been born in nearby Narnia. The AC/DC Bag, assistant and executioner for Wilson said in a statement, "We have been over this. When King Wilson took over as leader of Gamehendge, he posted his short form birth certificate for all to see on the rhombus. He was born here in Gamehendge, grew up on the south side of Prussia and spent two years traveling foreign lands - Atlantis, Xanadu, Shangri-La and Moldavia, where he spent time with his cousin Vigo the Carpathian. To continue questioning his place of birth distracts us from that which we must focus on - the continued enslavement of the lizards."

The Lizards were none too pleased. One member of a growing faction of lizards, The Tela Party, suggested that Wilson would face an uphill battle, literally, from an army led by Tela Party favorite Colonel Forbin. "With an army of lizards, King Wilson would be forced to reveal his long form birth certificate or face rebellion," said a lizard who would only say his name was RTB, due to the steps Wilson has taken to quell anti-Wilson press.

Whether or not Wilson will produce his long-form birth certificate remains to be seen. For now, the lizards are continuing to do thing smart people don't do, such as trivialize where a dictator was born.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Report: Phish Fans Agree Never to Mention “Art Photos” Ever Again

Over the Summer of 2011, Phish fans quietly agreed to never again bring up, discuss or in any way mention “Art Photos”. This decision was reached mutually among Phish fans who knew what happened at that one venue on Long Island (rhymes with Schmones Schmeach) where nothing happened during the Dead show. Nothing happened backstage, just stop talking about it. NOTHING HAPPENED!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

9/10 kidz think the country of Mali is a drug

Adding to the woeful state of affairs for education in America, a study released today by the Barber Institute today show that 9 out of 10 kidz think that Mali is not a country in Western Africa, but the recreational drug known as molly. The study, sponsored in part by the African Sky, a charity working in Mali to promote education and better health, was initiated because of a past volunteer who arrived expecting Mali to be something it was not.

Director of Media Relations, Pierre Tigana, shared that "this girl, she arrived eyes bright and very excited to be here. Very excited, and she could only ask when we were going to pick up. I did not understand this 'pick up', so we brought her to training, only to have her ask around for 'shards' and 'mahl', neither of which we understood. Jetlag is a problem even for me when I travel abroad, so we gave her a day to relax, hoping she would be prepared for the long haul of volunteer work. It turned out that this was not the case and that she was intensely looking for something that we could not discern nor provide. Finally, she gave up and went home screaming 'FALSE ADVERTISING!!!' and warned people not to expect Mali (sic) in Mali, whatever that means.'

This guy, Steve....

One of the kidz, Steve Gardenia reacted in a manner consistent with the study, "You have GOT to be fucking with me man! No FUCKING WAY there is a country called Molly (sic)! Those folks must have the best show ever, every single day and night."

To help the kidz understand the difference between Mali and Molly, The Phunion would like to take the time to explain to all our readers how to tell Mali and Molly apart.

Mali - this is a country in Western Africa

This is MDMA, also known as Molly, Mahl and Shards.

The Phunion asks that you please share this with your family and any kidz who may like Molly, but not know that Mali exists. Granted, it's pretty depressing in Mali year-round compared to taking Molly, and definitely not as much fun, but it is important to know geography.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Medeski, Martin and Wood set to open up improvisational law firm

Jazz/Improv trio Medeski, Martin and Wood announced that they will be taking a break from the road in order to pursue a unique side project of starting their own law firm.

As drummer Billy Martin noted in the September issue of Relix Magazine, "I like the sincerity of of [our eventual name] even if it does sound like a law firm." Thus, a mere weeks later, the trio are taking the idea seriously and taking time off the road in 2012 to get their firm staffed and to start a legal tour de force by late that summer.

John Medeski, keyboardist for MMW shared with The Phunion the bands plans for the coming years. "We'll do a little criminal law, some divorce work, then mix things up halfway through a case later some constitutional law cases. Martin noted that his eagerness was genuine "I've been waiting my whole life to jam out in front of the Supreme Court. I know Clarence Thomas can't sit stonefaced through our funk."

While Chris Wood will take an active part in the law firm of Medeski, Martin
and Wood, he will have a side practice with his brother Chris Wood.

They will specialize in family law.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Phish wins Nobel Peace Prize

In an announcement that has stunned the world, American jamband Phish were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The band received a phone call at 6am (Noon in Oslo, Norway, where the prize is announced and awarded) informing them that they received the award. Frontman Trey Anastasio received the phone call from his home outside New York City.

“Um, what do I think? I think this is unbelievable. I heard we were nominated but our old friend Sven (who is in the Norwegian Parliament) from Goddard (College) nominates us every year. I guess this year, something struck a chord with the voters and we won. I am amazed. Was 2010 that great a year for us? Wow. Really…it really makes you think.”

The criteria for being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, as set detailed in Alfred Nobel's will states that "the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.” The last phrase seems to be the key for Phish’s continual nomination and ultimately, their victory this year. Having been nominated early in 2011, the whole of Phish’s career impact is dually considered while the last two years, 2009 and 2010, when Phish reunited after a 5-year break up and played strong out of the gate.

Member of Norwegian Parliament Sven Svenson, a 1987 graduate of Goddard College has been on the Norwegian Nobel Committee for the past five years, but only recently did his half-serious nomination get taken with full weight by the committee. “Ya, I thought it would be worth a shot and since I’m on the committee, I can nominate who I want. I have seen Phish over 200 times and make trips back for the festivals and bigger shows, like Miami and SuperBall 9. So when this year, I took the committee to SuperBall 9 with me, something clearly struck a nerve. Soon, the whole idea became quite serious, and research was done on their body of work to see if they truly did benefit World Peace,” shared Svenson. “In fact, I think that it is well deserved.”

Norwegian Parliament, crafted of Norwegian Wood

While some felt others were more deserving, including Activists, Political Prisoners, the Initiators of the “Arab Spring” movement and website Wikileaks, other members of the committee expressed their support for Phish.

Olga Olafson, a member of the committee was enthusiastic about the nomination of Phish after SuperBall 9 and her excitement grew as she shared her rationale for choosing Phish as the Nobel Laureate this year. “Have you listened to the Waves Soundcheck from Bethel? Or the Cobo Disease? Either of those, right there is pure gold and could in fact benefit world peace. Anyone who heard that music would put down their guns, put away their anger and find peace in the music. I know I did, I did a few shows on, ahem, ‘sick leave’ from the committee. I just couldn’t wait till SuperBall 9, I needed some Gordo bassbombs.”

Sven stated that he made his argument best by examining the Ghost from MSG on 12/31/10 and finding that when broadcast amongst warring factions during the Arab Spring in North Africa, the crowd became more peaceful and was able to demonstrate an ability to talk, communicate and discuss rationally and calmly with each other. You sincerely cannot see that with any form of music. “Basically, Phish helped to fuel the Arab Spring. What was also was a big help was the entirety of set 2 on 1/1/11. What a set from start to finish. That Simple was sublime.”

Added Svenson, “These guys need to play Europe more often, and after the ceremony, I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a mini-tour up here in Scandanavia.”

Of the 20 organizations that have received the Nobel Prize in the past 110 years, there has been no musical recipient of the high honor, making Phish a band to break new ground both at home and abroad.

Oslo City Hall, Norway

As is the norm, a concert is planned in Norway at the Oslo Spektrum on December 11th, 2011, the day following the official ceremony at Oslo City Hall. (Mike Gordon will be rescheduling his tour dates for early 2012) The concert, which is broadcast to more than 450 million households in over 150 countries around the world has become a notable in recent years due to the eclectic lineups of music. In the past, Herbie Hancock, Wyclef jean, Lionel Richie, Yo-Yo Ma and Andrea Boccelli performed in the past few years, making Phish one of many to play, and some potential for collaboration brewing as well. (There have also been hundreds of world music acts that no one in America has ever heard of, and in the interest of time we didn’t bother to mention them. Our sincere apologies. Maybe if you played Bonnaroo we would have said something.)

They have a Spektrum in Oslo.

This will mark Phish's first performance in Norway. An online ticket request period is currently underway at and will end on Friday, October 14th at noon ET. Tickets will go on sale to the general public on October 15th. There are very few tickets available, so unless you plan to drop $800 on a plane ticket and $400 for a hotel room, don’t ask for an extra.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Following SuperBall IX, Festival 8 downgraded to AA+

In a move that sent shockwaves through the Phish community, Festival 8 was downgraded from a rating of AAA to AA+, following the tremendous performance of Phish at SuperBall IX. The major rating agencies, including Standard and Poors as well as Moody's all agreed that the music played at SuperBall IX was so impressive that it warranted not only a rating of AAA but also a downgrade of the most recent Phish festival, Festival 8.

"Well, I don't know if I should be elated or upset," opined Trey Anastasio, guitarist for Phish. "On the one hand, its great to see that SuperBall IX got a AAA rating but to have your last festival downgraded as a result, thats just a headscratcher. Was SuperBall so good it could affect the past? Whoa. I gotta sit down," remarked Trey as he took a seat and stared blankly out the window for 10 minutes.

When presented with the findings, some Phish fans called foul but a few were able to look at the big picture and offer their opinion. "I was at Festival 8 and yeah, it was amazing, from the Stones set, the Burble and the acoustic set, but if you're gonna compare the two, SuperBall smokes Fest 8 like a bag of headies," noted longtime Phish fan Mark Kelley. "Maybe it was so intense that it made the last fest look worse by comparison. I can get behind that man. Really, I can."
The downgrade does little to effect the economic pull of Phish, which has already released a 3D movie of the festival set in the Coachella Valley of California and has little marketing planned for Festival 8. "SuperBall stands to benefit in a great manner as being the upper echilon of Phish festivals in the 21st century," said Louis Criscione, head analyst at Moody's and Phish fan since 1987. "Having seen The Went, The Wheel, IT and all the other festivals, there is no question in my mind this festival deserves a AAA rating. They went above and beyond throughout the festival. There wasn't a dull moment." Criscione continued "And shit man, the Storage Jam? Un-fucking-real. Best Sleeping Monkey ever!"

Criscione was fast to point out that SuperBall IX would benefit from the rating two-fold. "First, the band can charge what they want on all merchandise from SuperBall IX, whatever is leftover that is. Second, they can't take their time planning their next move for a festival. If they return to Watkins Glen, they'll be expected to put on a show just as good, if not better than SuperBall. The fans will want it and expect it. We'll expect it, because the bar is now set high."

At press time, there was no comment from The Burble.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Brendan Bayliss takes leave of absence from Umphrey's McGee; returns to Notre Dame to play football

South Bend, Indiana

Returning to his alma mater at an hour of greatest need, Umphrey's McGee guitarist, singer and founder Brendan Bayliss opted to forgo his continued path to rock stardom at least temporarily so that he could play quarterback for The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame.

With two years of eligibility left and a cannon that would surprise many Umphreaks and Irish alumni as well, Bayliss held a brief press conference to confirm that he would be taking a leave of absence from Umphrey's McGee, at least temporatily, while he fills in at quarterback for Notre Dame, which has suffered greatly since Bayliss graduated in 1998.

"Look, we're 1-2 and even the win against Michigan State wasn't fulfilling. I'm doing what I have to do, as a proud alumni, as a great quarterback and as someone who knows how to win," said Bayliss to an enthusiastic crowd outside The Store in Chicago. Wearing the Notre Dame jersey of Joe Montana, Bayliss evoked an image of a leader on the field, commanding the Irish down the field in victory. There was not a dry eye or panty in the house.

Bayliss' senior year of high school netted a spectacular season
  • Passing Yards Per Game
  • Points Per Game
  • Passing Yards
  • Passing TD
  • Qb Rating
  • Rushing Yards
Early scouting reports note that Bayliss's quarterbacking skills are great, with over 3500 yards in his senior year of high school. He threw for 28 touchdowns and ran for 12 more. In workouts, scouts notes that he could evade defenders, a skill likely gained after years of dodging adoring female fans during and after shows. "Even though he hasn't played in a competitive game in over 13 years, what I saw in practice the other day puts all doubt out of my mind," observed scout Charlie Dixon. "I rode on the tour bus with the guy for four days and he was spending hours practicing bullet passes down the middle corridor of the bus, perfecting his throw (to a solid receiver in Ryan Stasik, a fellow alumni) and getting in quick games in the parking lot before he took the stage each night. I tell you, this kid is ready."

Even Bayliss' band mates are supportive of the idea. Bassist Ryan Stasik as well as keyboard/piano player Joel Cummins each were supportive of his move from frontman for Umphrey's McGee to quarterback for their shared alma mater. "I've always felt Bayliss could be quarterback based on all our mid-tour pick up games. We continually smoke moe. at Summercamp each year with him behind center and we are undefeated against Cornmeal and the Kansas City Chiefs. I am proud to take a few months off knowing he'll be leading Notre Dame to victory," shared an enthusiastic Cummins. "We are wrapping up the 'Death by Stereo' tour shortly and we will be back in Chicago in no time. Brendan is taking off the Saturday show at the Norva and we're clearing the schedule till the end of the season. He said he'd do double duty between the band and Notre Dame, but we can wing it as a five piece till the end of the season, and likely next year as well. He has two years of eligibility left after all."

A gleeful Stasik chimed in "And guess who gets to sing finally? That's right, I'm taking over Bayliss' vocals till he returns. Best silver lining to this whole thing."

Fans are mixed on the idea, wondering why Bayliss is forgoing tour this fall when there is a new album to promote and potentially a conflict with New Years Eve in St. Louis if Notre Dame makes it to a bowl game on the 30th or 31st of December. Many fans on The Bort, a popular Umphrey's McGee fan forum, expressed dismay because they had given up on Notre Dame years ago, like most of the country. Jeremy O'Malley, longtime Umphrey's fan and frequenter of The Bort shared his thoughts. "I don't see how he can rescue that sinking ship. He's not playing special teams and defense too is he? Cause they need more than just a quarterback that shreds. Fuck it, I love Bayliss and Umphrey's, I'll support him. Go Irish!"

Fans from The Bort have already been suggesting names for play calls, including Blue Echo, Ocean Billy, 2x2 (2 receivers on each side), Conduit (creating a seam up the middle), Divisions (to split the defenders), Gulf Stream (when playing the SEC), and Push the Pig (QB sneak). If recommendations are taken, fans of both Umphrey's McGee and Notre Dame will have all audibles now referred to as 'Jimmy Stewart.'

Head coach Brian Kelly said in a statement, "If Bayliss can throw as good as he can shred, then we're looking like champions again."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

After 7 long years, Phish finally decides to clean up the mess they left in Coventry, Vermont

by Cactus Jack, new contributor to The Phunion

After the hurricane Irene disaster left parts of Vermont in shambles causing many residents and business owners to be left with nothing, the home state heroes Phish are putting on a benefit concert to aid the Vermont relief fund. The concert also serves as relief for fans of the Vermont jamband who are still recovering from the Coventry, VT festival back in August of 2004. One anonymous phish fan said “It’s great that Phish has stepped up to help their fans recover from the Coventry festival while at the same time help the state of Vermont in such tragic times.”

The Coventry disaster is known by many Phish fans as “The worst concert ever.” This not only includes the 1,000 plus shows phish has played over their career but includes every concert by all artists throughout music history. These are harsh words when you include the likes of the Rolling Stones Altamont concert, Woodstock 99 and the ensuing riots, as well as every String Cheese Incident concert ever.

artist rendering of Coventry

Yet Phish now has their opportunity to right the ship that was Coventry. While that boat is still stuck in the mud from that fateful weekend trip back in 2004, Phish fans believe in their hearts they can. “They’ve been killing it this last tour and Trey is playing like he did in 98’: a lot of great bustouts and jams. While they will never be as good a pre 1998 it shouldn’t be hard to put on a better show than 2004.” said a local resident and fan.

Many Phish fans may even return to the spot known as the worst concert ever, to reminisce about the tragedy of Coventry. One heartbroken fan said “I may go to Coventry while I come up to Vermont for the benefit concert but I have mixed emotions about it. While I’m happy to have this concert to make up for the concert in Coventry I also lost many good sandals to the mud that weekend. You can’t bring those sandals back ever. Even with a benefit concert in Vermont.” Some may try to look for the famous memorial rhombus left behind at the Coventry site to mark the date of the festival that was claimed to be Phish’s last concert but Town officials warn fans to not seek it out. Unfortunately, reports from 2004 show that the memorial was buried in mud before the concert ended and it has yet to be recovered.

While this concert might never make up for the mess left in Coventry, many fans are hoping to find solace in the upcoming benefit concert. The trek may be long and arduous physically and emotionally to come back to Vermont for a concert put on by the band Phish but the reward for some fans could be a great concert. It may also ease the mind of many fans still troubled by the Coventry festival.

Of course not all fans are happy about the benefit concert as Jon Horningston from California states “Why no west coast love? We always get left out."

Monday, September 5, 2011

Al Schnier's toupee fooling no one

Fans at moe.down XII were not fooled when guitarist Al Schnier stepped on stage Friday night wearing a toupee. Bald since his mid-20s, Schnier was greeted with feigned applause as they noticed the rug attached to his head.

Many in the crowd could not tell if it was a joke or not but Al didn't let on that he was goofing on the crowd. Instead, he casually ran his fingers through the fake hair, scratched his head and brushed the hair out of his eyes, even when there was no hair to be moved.

"Seriously, Al is bald and NOW he wants to cover it up? Come on Al, we know you're bald, we all do. Just sport the dome and quit kidding around," noted moe. fan Lindsey Hakk. "This is just sad."

During a rambunctious Lazurus, the toupee became unglued in the back and flopped around as Al jammed out the ending. Acting like nothing was out of the norm, he simple brushed the hair back from his eyes and reminded the crowd to pick up a piece of trash on the way out of the concert field, following a 35 minute session of announcements, messages and milestones that fans had given him to read.

Backstage Saturday afternoon, Al was still wearing the toupee. Conversations with fans resulted in Al skirting the issue and mentioning how great moe.down was. He continued to wear the hairpiece throughout the weekend, treating the postiche as though he had not been bald all these years.

Meanwhile, Chuck spent late Saturday night with adoring fans worshiping him as Satan.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hot Dog scared, lonely at Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

The famed Phish Hot Dog which appeared at NYE 1994, 1999 and 2010 has been reported to be lonely and scared while hanging in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.

Fans admiring the Hot Dog could see the hot dog shaking, nervous that the wires holding it suspended 20 feet in the air would snap, plummeting the steel and foam wooden stage prop to its bitter end. "Heeeeeee.......hellllllp me", could be heard uttered quietly above, seemingly from patrons of the museum, but even late at night security guards noticed the cries from above.

"Its been like that since mid-January, just not doing well I tell ya", observed Duncan Crenshaw, assistant curator of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "That thing has been here for years now, then it gets taken to New York for some New Years Eve gig. I figure it was happy to get out, stretch, hang out with Phish again with the band, after ten years of nothing but token 'Hey, I was in town and thought I'd stop by' visits from Trey and the others. They took the hot dog to Vermont, went out on the town, had a nice meal or two, went skiing and caught up with the hot dog. It was just like old times."

Things took a turn for the worse when the hot dog was loaded back up on the truck and prepared to head back for Cleveland. "Well, I figure I wouldn't want to head back to Cleveland, let alone be forced to go back there after hanging out with Phish for a week. I'd go kicking and screaming just like the hot dog did. But it's here and it isn't happy."

When asked by The Phunion about the recent cries for help, the hot dog replied "Oh please, put your pen down and help me! Get me down from here! This isn't a joke, I cannot stand it up here!"

The hot dog seemed desperate to get down to the ground level, near the iconic fries and shake that accompanied the hot dog on the stage at NYE 1994 in the Boston Garden. Previous interviews with the hot dog on January 1st, 1995 by The Phunion showed a different attitude: "Oh this is so amazing! I feel so alive! I love this band so much! I can't wait for what's next."

What's next was storage, but with the fries and shake, the hot dog wasn't alone. For four and a half years, they bonded. Then, in late 1999, the hot dog was taken out of storage and brought to Big Cypress Seminole Indian Reservation for Phish's millennium concert. Centerstage once again, the hot dog was on top of the world while Phish was on top of him. This would be the last time the hot dog would be heard from for over 10 years.

"I call those the dark years," said the hot dog (after The Phunion scored him a zannie bar; we're good like that) noting that he fell into a deep depression when he was moved, along with the fries and shake, "because I dont really remember anything. Nothing happened. Fries and Shake and I said goodbye to the band, we were packed up, moved off to Cleveland and sat in storage while they 'figured out what to do with us.' Creepy shit man. We had no idea what to expect. Then, one day, we were wheeled out to a big open area and unloaded onto the floor. Fries and Shake had a nice setup off to the side of the foyer, but then some guys drilled holes into me, which hurt like a motherfucker. I mean seriously!"

"Then, I kinda blacked out and came to, hours later, hanging from the ceiling. I was confused, scared and in pain. I wound up falling into a coma for many years. I woke up when Trey and some other band he plays with stopped by, but he didn't come up and see me. He just waved from the floor. I was hurt. I fell into a deep depression."

"One day last fall, they started taking me down and then told me I was off to New York City! Oh I had never been and I was so happy! And I was part of New Years Eve again! That's my night to shine! I was packed up, had a cold ride to New York, although I was so excited I stayed warm. When I saw the band, I cried. Page got mustard on his shirt. I felt bad but so happy. We did the stunt, caught up, went to Vermont for a week and hung out. It was so great. The five of us, back together."

"And here I am, sent back to the museum to dangle 20 feet in the air. Awesome. Fucking awesome. Is it wrong to say that I just want them inside me again? Can't I go on tour too? It could be a thing, where I come out every show or two, they ride in on me, I dance The Meatstick dance. Oh the potential. But no, they nixed that and reminded me they were a four-piece band." The hot dog wept. "That was the saddest point of my life."

While the hot dog is hanging in the museum, thousands of fans each week take pictures of the hot dog as well as fries and shake. Still, the hot dog longs to be on the ground floor of the building. "The fries and shake are way down there. Why can't I be down there too? People can't even touch me up here. Put me down, set me near the fries and shake, I at least want to be near them. All I long for is some contact, any contact. I get maintenance every month but that's nothing."

For now, the hot dog remains a fixture in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, hanging 20 feet high in he atrium of the museum. And it waits its next go around with Phish. The sooner, the better for this hot dog.

Ethiopian Jerry Haile Selassie wins The 101st Running of the First Annual Runaway Jim Memorial 5k Road Race

Surprising Phish fans around the globe, Ethiopian runner Jerry Haile Selassie won the 101st Running of the First Annual Runaway Jim Memorial 5k Road Race. While Phish fans cheered for him, it was a surprise to most that an Ethiopian would come all the way to America to win a simple 5K.
"Is that legit? I mean, can anyone who buys a ticket run in this? Seems a little unfair to the Phish fans who are runners, but if he's a phan, then I guess I can't complain" remarked Jake Sellers, who came in 10th among the men.

Running the 5K in 13:20, a course record, Jerry was outpacing all other individuals in the race, eschewing the complementary shots and beers that were held out for runners as they worked their way around the Watkins Glen International Racetrack. Upon completion, an unnamed individual wrapped Haile Selassie in a flag made in the design of Fishman's dress as he threw his hands up into the air and walked around the course finish area triumphantly.

Haile Selassie shared with The Phunion, "I have been on tour since Bethel and spent each day and day off running a 5K and improving my time steadily. Then, after Portsmouth I headed up to Watkins and began practicing in the area. I spent two weeks preparing for this race. I was determined to win and I did."

"Now where are those 5 bumps of K? I am going to rage face tonight."

Friday, July 29, 2011

Dave Schools crowned Yokozuna during Setbreak at Fuji Rock Fest

In an unprecedented move by Japan's commission on Sumo Wrestling, Dave Schools was crowned Yokozuna during setbreak of Widespread Panic's set on Saturday July 30th.

"His girth and ability to consume more sushi than even the greatest of Yokozunas in our thousand year history. A thousand blessings upon him!"

Schools in action

Schools recent cologne, Barbecue Sauce, debuted in Japan weeks earlier, prompting a familiar waft from the crowd and permeate the incense customary for the elevation to Yokozuna.

Takanoshi, a 'splead-head' from Osaka was front and center for the event. "School's power, skill and grace on stage make him a most qualified Rikishi. We are honored as Japanese to have him among our greatest sumo wrestlers.

Schools could not be reach for comment, as he was eating a small village during setbreak.

Schools shows off the location of the village he will consume now that he is a Yokozuna

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Nitrous Salesman Attracts Coveted Children's Market with Balloon Animals

With the adult and 20-something markets cornered, entrepreneurial Nitrous salesman Vic Hayes came up with a way to attract a new market for his gas: Balloon animals for the kids.

"Well," stated Hayes, "The kidz already liked them, what about the kids? There was potential to get kids twisted too, while getting some twisted balloons at the same time! This shit is like so dank of an idea. I'll twist the fuck out of some balloons for kids! I'll be like a lot-style clown, but not like a real clown, you feel me yo?"

Artist's depiction of potential lot scene

All kids should note that they have to pay 1 for 5, 4 for 20 like everyone else, with no fucking deals just like the rest. Hayes added, "If they spend all their allowance on gas, its no skin off my bones, this shit is delicious." No word on when his balloon twisting skills would be perfected in time for a festival this summer, but with an eye on the late summer, Nitrous Fest 2011 would be a likely spot for this debut performance.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Brownie set to debut 1 man show at Camp Bisco X

Adding to the electronica-heavy lineup at Camp Bisco X, Marc Brownstein today announced he would be kicking off his 1 man off-Park-Ave. show, "The Untz Monologues"

"I've been sitting on this puppy for a few years and I felt that Camp Bisco TEN was best place to take my career in a new direction. I'll still be touring with The Disco Biscuits and Conspirator, but my talents are much more than just laying down bass for the masses. Spoken Word is true to my heart and I want to share that with everyone," remarked Brownstein as he prepared to attend Phish's SuperBall IX Festival.

While the previews of the show were close to the press, The Phunion has obtained exclusive transcripts of a portion of one of "The Untz Monologues":

I'm just gonna ask you a few questions
When was the first time you saw Untz?
Were you at a show?
Did you walk up to the band and think, like, what, what was that?
Were you surprised at the sound?
Did you dig the bass?
Perhaps the drums?
Where were you when you first learned about Untz?

Well, first I'd like to introduce Molly B. Untzington, complete with flat brim
She is a fan of Untz
It's even in
And when she first got into Untz,
She found more of it and went to find a fresh supply.
But sometimes, Untz is hard to find
Some kidz go days, weeks, months without hearing it
A high-powered treat for the ears
Full of aural pleasures
Enjoying it can be a full day's work
You've got to get DOWN son!
This isn't for the faint of heart
Or lungs
Or legs
Or Epiglottis for that matter.

With a presence on stage evoking a young Henry Rollins, Brownstein hopes to popularize spoken word performances amongst the Bisco fan base. "It's time to branch out, try something a little new and share my talents with others. I'll have Simon Posford sit in for one of the monologues, although technically then it's a dialogue. But at 2am Friday morning, semantics aren't what the kidz want. It's spoken word."

With a hope of "Celebrating Untz", the debut performance of "The Untz Monologues" will take place at Camp Bisco in the VIP tent Thursday shortly before The Disco Biscuits take the stage. Brownie's performance will still ensure Bisco arrives on stage On Time.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

'Gay for Trey' dudes celebrates as New York legalizes Gay Marraige

While many Phish fans across the nation rejoiced as the New York State Assembly passed a bill Friday night that legalized Gay Marriage, a wide majority of the male fans admitted that they were proud to be Gay for Trey. "I am Gay for Trey and proud to say it. Now I can legally marry my man Trey Anastasio!" proclaimed George McNeece of Augusta, Maine.

While Anastasio could not be reached for comment, the recent spike in traffic at revealed a number of male Phish fans expressing love for a heterosexual, happily married man. One post from Treylover69 stated "This is the moment I've been waiting for. I know he'll love me. I've dreamt of him singing Let me Lie when I fall asleep in his hairy ginger arms." When reached for comment on Trey's heterosexuality, Treylover69 said "Well then why does he always look at me during shows huh? He's always looking at me. You just don't want me to be happy, do you?!"

There was a report this afternoon from Sue Anastasio on negative concerns she had of her spouse of 20 years who now had hundreds of pending marriage proposals. "While I'm not thrilled with the fan mail we've been getting, I have to admit, he made his bed, he's gonna lie in it. Those guys could have been kept at bay with a simple flash of the wedding ring, but no, he sings that stupid 'Dudes in the front row' song during Bittersweet Motel and he's surprised that these guys are in love with him? Well, he could have prevented this, but we're getting a lot of flowers sent to the house and flowers are always nice."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mother Nature Smites Assholes With Signs Who Blocked Her View

In an increasingly common move by Mother Nature, Tuesday night marked the first time in almost 6 years that veteran Phish fan Mother Nature used her power to control the forces of wind and rain to make a point to the assholes holding up signs throughout the Phish show.

Mother Nature, circa 2010 Further Tour

"Well, I went on Monday night to Alpharetta and having been quite busy with tornadoes a
nd floods lately, I needed a break with my boys. I scored Mail Order tickets and had 5th row Page Side. Then I get to the show and see all the people with signs in the pit. As soon as the show started, the signs went up and they just never seemed to go down. I'm only 5'5" and can't see over signs that completely block my view of the band", Mother Nature reported in a post-show interview with The Phunion Tuesday Night.

"I mean, what the fuck? You have a sign, the band sees it, they play a song, you PUT IT THE FUCK DOWN! This is a Phish show, not a sign show. If I want to read signs, I'll go for a fucking drive."

Mother Nature reportedly had hew view blocked for a majority of the first set and made the decision to enjoy the show from the lawn. "Well, it makes sense I would prefer the lawn, but its been since Miami 2009 since I last saw Phish and really wanted to actually SEE them. The lawn was great, I mean, I'm Mother Nature, those blades are like my children. It was a great show from where I was on the lawn. I even met up with some nice folks from the Northeast who showed me such kindness I laid off the humidity this week."

However, when Mother Nature returned home that night, all she could remember was how her awesome seats were blocked by signs that she had no power to control. Until she decided to take matters into her own hands. Unsure as to whether or not this was a tour trend or just a one time thing, she awaited arrival to the show to make a determination.

"This isn't like the breakup in 2004 when I flooded all of Vermont for a summer, just out of pure spite for them breaking up JUST as I was getting ready to hand the reigns over to my assistant so I could go on tour more often. This was not as calculated, just an impulse." Added Mother Nature, "I think I'm bi-polar."

Moody and uneven-tempered, Mother Nature saw kids laughing about what signs to make, so much so that fans were selling posters for fans to make signs saying 'Cavern', 'Golgi', 'Bouncin' and 'Fluffhead'. "That was the last straw. Fluffhead? As if they don't fucking play that song enough. Right then and there, I had to make a stand."

Using her innate powers of wind, water, earth and fire, Mother Nature began a storm system in Northeast Alabama that she hoped would soak the signs before they were able to be held up, again blocking her view. But the more this tempestous deity thought about it, the more she got upset and that's when the storm started.

Artists rendering of Mother Nature when she isn't a total cunt

"I'll admit, it got out of hand. I can be a raging bitch sometimes and this is a fine example. I'll have nice weather at times, but get on my bad side and the gloves come off. Do not fuck with me."

The rain was coming down steadily during the first set and only intensified when a phan with a 'Runaway Jim' sign held it up during the storm, and that was the proverbial last straw. Mother Nature let loose on all of Northern Georgia, yet in the middle of her angry display of weather, the band started Mound, which led to all the signs going up that said 'Mound'. That's when things got rough."

"Yeah, I need therapy. Or zanax. I couldn't find a single pharmie on lot beforehand, and I wish I had. Seriously, I need a prescription but can't get one because I'll just sell it for molly. It's a terrible circle. You can tell that I need help. But I'm the only Mother Nature the planet has, so I have to try to keep my shit together. This was not one of my finer moments."

While fans retreated to the bathrooms for shelter, Mother Nature slowly calmed down, realizing what she had created. As she dissipated the storm that had become an instant memory in the lore of Phish, she felt bad and prayed that the band would return to the stage. "When they did come back, all I could think was "Please, play Mound again, I haven't seen one since 12/31/02, far too long. Plus, all those fucking signs were soaked by now and there was nothing for these assholes to hold up but their dicks. And we all know those aren't going to block anyone's view."

As the band broke into Mound, Mother Nature let the storm pass and kept up appearances with some rain while she enjoyed the entire second set, especially 'The Birdwatcher' and 'Kung'. "Let's just say those songs have a deep connection to the earth, the deep tones; all was forgiven then. I've even given the rest of the tour nice weather as a result."

"But really, I'm sorry it came to this. I didn't mean for things to get out of hand. I need to go to therapy. I could use some more Phish but these signs are killing me. I have my ticket to Superball IX and with a large crowd like that, signs are kinda useless unless you get really close, so hopefully shit doesnt start again. I try, but really, its a hard job."

"I was first attracted to Phish because of The Waterwheel Foundation, which is sort of near and dear to my everything. I try to get on tour when I can but this is a full-time worldwide job that I just can't leave for a bit. I do that, The Maldives disappear beneath the ocean for good."

When reached for comment, God said, "Look, I've told you before, just call me Trey. And don't piss off Mother Nature. Sanity never came her way." At that moment, Trey/God then took cover as his delicate ginger skin began to burn under the increasing heat from the sun. "See, told you so. Now what song did she want to hear?"

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Mike's Dong, an Adult Phan Film to be released

With Phish's marketing department creating fan favorites such as merit badges, venue specific shirts and DVDs of every single show played since DVDs were invented, Phish has moved into the adult film market. As their fanbase ages, new and exciting offerings need to be incorporated into Phish Dry Goods and the first of these adult offerings is tentatively titled 'Mike's Dong'.

With a story line focusing on a guy named Mike who is trapped in time and doesn't know what to do, he decides to share in the groove with busty blonde 'Pipeher'. The rest of the movie involves a variety of sex scenes that meander far away from the storyline, akin to 'jamming'.

Future titles will be released in coming months, including Superballs XXX, Twatzer, Divided Legs 46 and Fuck Your Face.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Report: Phish is Back

Despite having returned in March of 2009, fans leaving the Bethel Woods concert grounds after Phish's 3 nights of shows remarked that Phish was, for all intense of purposes, back.

Fans leaving the normally quiet town of Bethel were ecstatic, having seen the first three nights of Phish's summer tour. Three shows that, regardless of what you had heard, marked that the band was officially back.

While there has been little debate about their return since 7:35pm on March 6th, 2009, the moment when Phish played the opening notes to 'Fluffhead', fans have reminded others as long ago as late December 2009, August 2010 and now in May 2011, that indeed, Phish was back. Greg Quartermain added "Hell yeah motherfucker" as he wandered down the road looking for his ride that seemed to have left him behind.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Rapture moved to 5/27 at Yasgurs Farm

Harold Camping, the leader of an independent Christian ministry Family Radio Worldwide based in Oakland, California announced today that he was changing the date and location of the Rapture. Currently scheduled for May 21st in locations around the globe, Camping shared with followers this evening that the Rapture will now take place on May 27th at Yasgur's Farm in Bethel, NY.

Artists rendering of 5/27 potential Rapturing

This coincides with the arrival of thousands of Phish fans, several hundred of whom have reservations at Yasgur's Farm campgrounds. Owned by Roy and Jeryl Abramson, the campground has come under recent scrutiny from the town of Bethel due to violations from agreements signed in the past few years. The sins committed on the property over the past 40 years is why Camping decided to move the location of the Rapture. "The Lord will come back and vanquish the sinners and save the believers. There will be more sinners in Bethel at this one time than at any other and we cannot miss a golden opportunity like this. The sin that has occurred on this land, both carnal and violating court orders, is a prelude to the return of Christ."

Added Camping, "Plus Phish sucks now anyways. How many times can they play Halley's Comet without jamming it out? It makes no sense."

Roy and Jeryl have responded to the controversial move of the Rapture with open and welcome arms. "Having the Rapture occur on such a sacred location means the world to us. We look forward to an epic weekend with Phish and welcome the Rapture AND the fans with open arms."

Phish will reportedly open the night with "Highway to Hell"

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Phish Dating Site Features Mostly Dudes

Recently debuted Phish dating website "" celebrated its first week of matchmaking when the site marked registrations from 476 dudes and 4 chicks. While the ratio may seem somewhat unbalanced, the sausage-fest that is Phish has seen a 100:1 dude:chick ratio at recent shows, with 99% of women attending with either a boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend as a method to withstand would be hetty suitors. While the rare matchmaking occurs at a Phish show, due to the 'Gay for Trey' phenomenon, the number of men at Phish shows is steadily increasing and showing no focus on their female counterparts at the show.

Marring the potential for, nearly all of the initial 480 profiles listed their headline and first date as 'Let's Go Out to Dinner and See a Movie'. Some of the younger mysweet1'ers opted instead for 'Just got back from Kill Devil Falls', 'Won't you come out to play' and the guaranteed to lower expectations 'Taste my crooked maple fingers trembling all around'

While the site has not matched any of the dudes to the 4 girls, the ladies are excited about the potential of the pick of the litter. But not for Amber Cunningham of Bryn Mawr, PA. "I have been single for what, 2 years now and can't find a single guy to hang out with at a show because they are either WAAAY too focused on Trey or they are some nasty ass wook, or worse, a n00b. I mean, I meet some guys at shows, but then I meet like 40 others moments later because I'm one of a few girls there. It's ridiculous."

Althought meeting that special someone at Phish show isn't impossible, it is reported to be rarer than seeing Fuck Your Face, according to ZZYZX's Phish Stats, which has included a unique algorithm into to aid in matchmaking as well as comparing Phish stats with potential mates.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Phantasy Tour diagnosed with Syphilis

Medical history and technological innovation crossed paths today, marking the first time a website was diagnosed with a human virus, a strain of treatable, yet nasty syphilis that was discovered within a number of posts on

The 'Syph'

"While this is not part of the Singularity, it is instead a side effect from the smut and negativity that has pervaded the internet, localizing itself on Phantasy Tour over the past decade," noted Dr. Edward Gabel of the Centers for Disease Control. The diagnosis means that electronic penicillin will need to be administered, although health and ICANN officials are uncertain as to how to successfully do that. Gabel stated "If we want to get it under control, we're going to have to simply start disinfecting the message boards on Phantasy Tour one by one. The Yonder and Dead pages won't take long, but we anticipate over a month for each of the Phish and Bisco Phantasy pages"
Regular Phantasy Tour users hands may look like this without innoculation

A strain of this sort has not been seen since the early days of, which shut down due to an influx of Ebola in the late 1990s. Phantasytour hopes to avoid a demise from this strain of syphilis that will render it as barren as The Sloping Companion CEO Paul Glace was unavailable for comment, but left his moderators up to the task of fielding any questions and complaints users may have. These questions and complaints will be fielded randomly and responded to without regard for content of the particular comment, regardless of the concern.

Reality Tour, however, is still up and running, despite featuring acceptable amounts of multiple strains of human viruses still as yet unidentified. Spokeswoman for Reality Tour, 'thegerg' issued a statement in regards to the news: "Whatevs. KYS n00b DIAF. This Kang could give a shit. RT is EpCoT"

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Dave Schools debuts new cologne, 'Barbecue Sauce'

This week, Dave Schools', bassist for Widespread Panic, debuted his long-awaited cologne, 'Barbecue Sauce'. Aimed at the southern gentleman, the fragrance comes in 10 ounce, 16 ounce and 32 ounce sizes with a sauce brush for easy application. With hints of molasses, sugar and Waffle House leftovers, the cologne will be sold through Widespread Panic's website and can be purchased at upcoming shows across the country.

Actual image of Dave Schools' new cologne with brush for easy application

Schools' recommends putting a dab of 'Barbecue Sauce' on each wrist and following it with a stiff swig from the bottle, like he does. "I've been wearing Barbecue Sauce for years and it makes the ladies flock. I fully recommend trying a little on next time you go to the drag race, monster truck rally, or see WSP sux it up on tour."

Schools' release marks the second time a member of a Jamband has released a fragrance, following the 2003 release of Warren Haynes' 'Overexposed'

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Allen Aucoin not governed by Asimov's 3 Laws of Robotics

With great concern for the safety of thousands of fans of The Disco Biscuits, it was revealed today that drummer Allen Aucoin is not governed by Asimov's 3 Laws of Robotics.

The three laws were made famous by author Isaac Asimov in his short story, 'Runaround', detail the laws by which all positronic robots are governed. The laws are:

1. A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

As reported by Benjy Eisen to The Phunion, Aucoin was watching I, Robot prior to the band's recent show at The Sherman Theater in Stroudsburg, PA. When the movie began and the three laws were recited on the screen, Aucoin laughed maniacally, startling Eisen. Aucoin then took off his shirt, drenched in sweat even when not drumming, and pulled open his stomach and rib cage to reveal the inner-mechanics that allow Aucoin to operate as only a robot could behind the drumkit.

This is what Allen Aucoin looks like inside

While rumors of Aucoin being more than human, there has never been any confirmation of this. Aside from an 'asthma attack' that forced the drummer to miss The Disco Biscuits New Years run of shows to end 2010, there has been no evidence other than drumming that is viewed as near impossible by even a trio of drummers, let alone one man. When rumors serviced that Aucoin's asthma attack was a cleverly covered up malfunction of his Interface Adapter due to the intense snowstorms that hit the east coast around Christmastime, fans began to wonder if Aucoin truly was a robot. This curiosity was dashed upon Molly showing up and everyone forgetting about what they were talking about.

Eisen immediately was concerned that Aucoin would harm him and took a defensive position behind boxes of unsold copies of 'Planet Anthem' that were scattered about the band's tour bus. The grin and subsequent quiet laugh from Aucoin was followed by a request for Eisen to return to his seat, as he was not in danger. Aucoin assured Eisen that he would never allow harm to come to him, let alone other members of The Disco Biscuits or their crew; although Aucoin is not bound by The Three Laws anymore than he is bound to his Colts jersey, he does not seek to do harm to humans. As for the jersey, Aucoin revealed was to show quiet support for fellow robot Peyton Manning.

One of these guys is really a robot

While The Three Laws are followed by all positronic robots, Aucoin is showing signs of self-awareness and moving beyond the limits imposed on him by his creator, Dr. Sammy Altman. While Altman was preparing to leave the Disco Biscuits for medical school in 2005, he knew that a replacement for his skill was going to be nearly impossible to find. So in the best interests of the band and utilizing an immense knowledge of robotics culled from years of reading Asimov, Altman designed Aucoin to replace him. This included programming all Disco Biscuit songs ever played into 500 terrabyte memoryand infusing within it every known recording of electronic music ever played, worldwide. He was given the robot name 'Dr Fameus', an allusion to Altman's future Ph.D and the potential fame that would come from inventing the greatest robot-drummer ever.

Aucoin never let on that he was a robot, even on Halloween

The final step for Altman was making his drumming-robot to look as unassuming as possible. Choosing to make the robot a short and skinny redhead was a wise decision, as no one would assume a ginger to be a robot. With Aucoin rarely speaking, the allure of the 'quiet' new drummer was enough for fans to accept. A backstory was created by Altman for Aucoin, detailing a past history of drumming in bands including Skydog Gypsy, Juiceman and 922, all of which no one had seen before.

While fans are in no immediate danger from Aucoin, they can be reassured that Tilden's Three Guiding Principles for Robots are still embedded deep within Aucoin's basic memory. These rules:

1. A robot must protect its own existence at all costs

2. A robot must obtain and mantain access to its own power source

3. A robot must continually search for better power sources.

These laws are reflected in Aucoin's efforts to keep his robot identity a secret (#1) continually tour with The Disco Biscuits and as Dr. Fameus (#2) and continually playing drums whenever the opportunity presents itself (#3). No word as to whether or not the Singularity will affect Aucoin's playing with The Disco Biscuits, although Marc Brownstein notes that 'The Singularity' sounds off the hook and can't wait to see them live.