Friday, December 30, 2011

Phish Pin collector collapses under weight of pins

The latest trend in Phish lot merchandise took an unexpected turn when a fan who claimed to have collected over 200 pins in the past two years collapsed and lay motionless on the sidewalk near Madison Square Garden.

While weighing very little, the unnamed male pin collector had amassed over 100o pins, including 200 Phish pins, many of which were worn on an oversized hoodie, to accommodate the baubles. While trying to get up from his seat at a bar near MSG, he struggled to cross the street. With some help from friends and balancing on waiting taxis, the 20-something fan then fell over, unable to move underneath the weight of the hundreds of tiny Lilliputian metal coffins.

The collection that weighed the fan down:

"The dude has been a FORCE on the pin collecting scene since Hampton. Dude always has extras to trade, hooked me up with a sick pin from 8 and the entire puzzle set from summer 2010. I hope he's OK, but if not, those pins are fair fucking game man."

When reached for comment, the paramedics stated "we've never seen anything like this. It's like he was bogged down by pimp chains, but these are tiny as hell. We're re-hydrating him and hopefully can get some of these pins off him so he can walk, but so far he twitches and lashes out when we try to remove the pins. Its a daunting task."

The fan was reported to be in stable condition at Makisupa Presbyterian. No word if he took his tickets with him or hooked a brother up on the way out.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Brownie fires entire crowd at Biscuits show

Irritated and upset with the crowd’s performance at last night’s Disco Biscuits show, Bassist Marc Brownstein stopped in the middle of Svenghali and announced that the entire crowd was fired.

"I just couldn’t take it anymore. The crowd just was not getting down, I didn’t see them getting into these thick bombs I was dropping and far too many were focused on their cell phones. I expect more from a crowd. So I did what I had to do”

The crowd, while stunned, complied and left the show, which was only two songs into the second set at 2:30 in the morning. “Brownie’s right, we could have done better. No, we should have done better. I’m sorry I let him down,” shared Molly B. Untzington of Floral Park, NY. “I brought my A-game but I have no one to blame but myself. Did you hear that fucking Minions? Shit dude, how was I not dancing with the intensity of a bomb going off?”

Others were not as thrilled and complained at the mass firing but they were reassured when reminded there was a post-post show featuring Orchard Lounge starting at 4am at the Highline Ballroom.

A new crowd was gathered out in front and informed that they were expected to “dance their fucking faces off,” according to a bystander who witnessed the transfer of crowds in and out of the venue. The switch of audience took less than 30 minutes due to the adept crowd-control exhibited by Allen Aucoin who had stepped outside to cool down after sweating for the last two hours and helped speed the transition.

The new crowd consisted of a few dozen Bisco fans who did not have tickets to the original show, dozens of tourists including a Japanese tour group led by Hal Masa, a few Times Square hookers, some homeless folks and a few hundred Occupy Wall Street Protestors who went on to chant "This is what a Bisco crowd looks like" upon entering the building.

The crowd was treated to a House Dog Party Favor->Space Bird Mating Call, although Shem Rah Boo was left unfinished.

Said Brownstein, “This is more like it. I love this crowd! Onto Chicago!”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Phunion's NYE at MSG Wishlist

Because we all want to hear certain songs or see certain things at the 4 upcoming Phish shows, here is The Phunion's staff list of things they are looking for the most to end the year:

10. Phish plays Crowd Control for the Occupy Crowd, location: some random park.

9. Something to make this gram of molly worth it.

8. Lifeboy.

7. A mashup of Thunderstruck and Fuck Your Face. Title: Thunderfuck Your Face.

6. Security guards that don't do their job and let us all get the fuck down wherever there is room.

5. A 30 minute version of anything, as long as it rhymes with Geezer or Schmost.

4. No mention of The National, ever again.

3. A new years gag that has something with houses. after a year of WHAT? and HOUSE, something like singing "OUR HOUSE" with Hugh Laurie on vocals would be expected, if not damn near guaranteed.

2. Gold Soundz.

1. No phish fans complaining about any part of the show (phans can dream, right?)

Happy Holidays from The Phunion. We'll be updating throughout the NYE run, so follow us @thephunion on twitter and stay tuned for news as it happens here at

Monday, December 19, 2011

Phish Fan Parents using days left till NYE as counting lesson for children

Across the country, as Phish fans gear up for the holidays, the countdown to the first notes of Phish that will be played on December 28th is as enticing as Christmas or Hanukkah. But fans countdown not just to the first present under the tree but also to the first notes from Phish, and it has become a popular method for teaching children of Phish fans to count.

Jonah Ostrovsky from Merrick, Long Island, has been doing the countdown with his son, Ryan, for the past three months. "I counted back to when there was 100 days left on September 17th and we counted the number using toys and cards or whatever was around, then we drew the number on paper and put it on the wall in his room so he could see the numbers. I'm getting more and more excited as the days countdown. I think he enjoys it too!"

Ryan, only 6 months old, is far too young to comprehend the intricacies of math, let alone counting from 100 to zero, or even 1 to 10, but the thought that Phish fan parents are taking an important part of their life and making some use of it with their children is reassuring for the next generation.

Parents are encouraged to count numbers while keeping in mind a child's cognitive development and focus on numbers 1-10. Counting down the rest of the days left until December 31st, as of the 21st, would yield 10 days and one number to learn each day through repetition, visual aides and counting aloud.

Younger fans are encouraged to take part in couch tour with their parents all four nights, but keep in mind parents will need to be wary of songs like "Fuck Your Face" and may have to answer questions about "The Meatstick". However, the dances during "Punch You in the Eye" and "Guelah Papyrus" can introduce a child into the world of Phish in a way children will appreciate for the fun and lighthearted nature of the songs.

The math concept of "1 for 3, 2 for 5" is encouraged to be taught no earlier than 3rd grade, as the art of making a deal is not understood until age 9.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

King Wilson: I Fucking Hate Glowsticks

King Wilson, the evil ruler of all of Prussia and Gamehendge, Duke of Lizards and general all around douche weighed in on issue of Glowsticks at Phish shows.

"I Fucking Hate Glowsticks! Seriously, these things are the worst. I'm at a show, they play YEM and they go flying. I'm usually on the floor FOB near the rogue tapers and those god damn sticks come flying. It makes me so angry I want to punch a n00b, right in his fucking eye. Yeah, I've done that before too. Not proud of myself, but I did it!"

Phish fans have recently discussed the merits of Glowsticks at shows, as a planned event to START the 12/28 show has garnered hundreds of attendees via the
Facebook event page but at the same time has led to increased conversation among Phish fans as to the purpose of Glowsticks at shows. Some think they are cool, some think they are annoying, but with the support of King Wilson it is clear that the anti-Glowstick crowd has gained a major endorsement.

"Anyone who agrees with me is cool. If you don't like Glowsticks, we can hang before the show, eat some molly, rip lines, punch n00bs, whatever the fuck ya want. I roll heavy and don't take shit from no one. We rage in ways that are unheard of yet."

Wilson continued, "You know Dave Anver? That guy is a fucking pussy compared to me!"

Harping on his hatred of Glowsticks, he even continued to add credence to the rumor that dub-step DJ Skrillex is the product of improper Glowstick use. "I heard Skrillex ate a glowstick before he started producing that god awful shit fuck music he makes. Serves him right. Fuck him too."

It seems that fans of Glowsticks have their work cut out for them on 12/28, with a vocal opponent leading the fans who hate Glowsticks. 'No i cant have fun!"

"And if Phish plays anything less than a 8 minute Tube, shit is gonna get REAL!"

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Jeff Holdsworth totally loving life

For Phish fans who were wondering, Jeff Holdsworth is doing fine and totally loving life. Emerging from the relative obscurity of life as a computer engineer, Holdsworth sat down with Trey Antipasta from The Phunion to talk about what life is like, 25 years after leaving the band he founded, Phish.

"I can't complain, I have my family, my health. Plus I get to play in a jazz trio every Wednesday night downtown at a martini bar, although they sometimes turn my amp down."

When not working or playing guitar, Jeff has no remorse on leaving Phish, a band that went on to have huge national touring success. "Look, I get $50 every time they play Possum and $75 everytime they play Camel Walk. So in case you missed the last few tours, I'm doing very well thank you very much."

Added Holdsworth, "Finally gonna put a pool in. Aboveground."

Co-workers did not seem to be aware that Holdsworth was one of the founders of Phish. "He talks about it, but we figured he was just talking out his ass, about being in Phish. One day we looked it up and by god, there it is - Jeff playing with Trey. We had no idea."

When the interview resumed, Jeff showed a photo of Trey and him from 1985 photo at UVM. He then silently stared at the photo for 3 minutes, alternating between emotions - first smiling, then a tear, then a look of frustration before turning back to the interview.

"Where were we? Oh right, well, I have my trio to look forward to each week and if fans were to stop down and check it out, that would be pretty sweet. And in case anyone else is reading, I 'try' to keep my calendar pretty open."