Report: Phish is Back

Despite having returned in March of 2009, fans leaving the Bethel Woods concert grounds after Phish's 3 nights of shows remarked that Phish was, for all intense of purposes, back.

Fans leaving the normally quiet town of Bethel were ecstatic, having seen the first three nights of Phish's summer tour. Three shows that, regardless of what you had heard, marked that the band was officially back.

While there has been little debate about their return since 7:35pm on March 6th, 2009, the moment when Phish played the opening notes to 'Fluffhead', fans have reminded others as long ago as late December 2009, August 2010 and now in May 2011, that indeed, Phish was back. Greg Quartermain added "Hell yeah motherfucker" as he wandered down the road looking for his ride that seemed to have left him behind.

Rapture moved to 5/27 at Yasgurs Farm

Harold Camping, the leader of an independent Christian ministry Family Radio Worldwide based in Oakland, California announced today that he was changing the date and location of the Rapture. Currently scheduled for May 21st in locations around the globe, Camping shared with followers this evening that the Rapture will now take place on May 27th at Yasgur's Farm in Bethel, NY.

Artists rendering of 5/27 potential Rapturing

This coincides with the arrival of thousands of Phish fans, several hundred of whom have reservations at Yasgur's Farm campgrounds. Owned by Roy and Jeryl Abramson, the campground has come under recent scrutiny from the town of Bethel due to violations from agreements signed in the past few years. The sins committed on the property over the past 40 years is why Camping decided to move the location of the Rapture. "The Lord will come back and vanquish the sinners and save the believers. There will be more sinners in Bethel at this one time than at any other and we cannot miss a golden opportunity like this. The sin that has occurred on this land, both carnal and violating court orders, is a prelude to the return of Christ."

Added Camping, "Plus Phish sucks now anyways. How many times can they play Halley's Comet without jamming it out? It makes no sense."

Roy and Jeryl have responded to the controversial move of the Rapture with open and welcome arms. "Having the Rapture occur on such a sacred location means the world to us. We look forward to an epic weekend with Phish and welcome the Rapture AND the fans with open arms."

Phish will reportedly open the night with "Highway to Hell"

Phish Dating Site Features Mostly Dudes

Recently debuted Phish dating website "mysweet1.com" celebrated its first week of matchmaking when the site marked registrations from 476 dudes and 4 chicks. While the ratio may seem somewhat unbalanced, the sausage-fest that is Phish has seen a 100:1 dude:chick ratio at recent shows, with 99% of women attending with either a boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend as a method to withstand would be hetty suitors. While the rare matchmaking occurs at a Phish show, due to the 'Gay for Trey' phenomenon, the number of men at Phish shows is steadily increasing and showing no focus on their female counterparts at the show.

Marring the potential for mysweet1.com, nearly all of the initial 480 profiles listed their headline and first date as 'Let's Go Out to Dinner and See a Movie'. Some of the younger mysweet1'ers opted instead for 'Just got back from Kill Devil Falls', 'Won't you come out to play' and the guaranteed to lower expectations 'Taste my crooked maple fingers trembling all around'

While the site has not matched any of the dudes to the 4 girls, the ladies are excited about the potential of the pick of the litter. But not for Amber Cunningham of Bryn Mawr, PA. "I have been single for what, 2 years now and can't find a single guy to hang out with at a show because they are either WAAAY too focused on Trey or they are some nasty ass wook, or worse, a n00b. I mean, I meet some guys at shows, but then I meet like 40 others moments later because I'm one of a few girls there. It's ridiculous."

Althought meeting that special someone at Phish show isn't impossible, it is reported to be rarer than seeing Fuck Your Face, according to ZZYZX's Phish Stats, which has included a unique algorithm into mysweet1.com to aid in matchmaking as well as comparing Phish stats with potential mates.

Phantasy Tour diagnosed with Syphilis

Medical history and technological innovation crossed paths today, marking the first time a website was diagnosed with a human virus, a strain of treatable, yet nasty syphilis that was discovered within a number of posts on Phantasytour.com

The 'Syph'

"While this is not part of the Singularity, it is instead a side effect from the smut and negativity that has pervaded the internet, localizing itself on Phantasy Tour over the past decade," noted Dr. Edward Gabel of the Centers for Disease Control. The diagnosis means that electronic penicillin will need to be administered, although health and ICANN officials are uncertain as to how to successfully do that. Gabel stated "If we want to get it under control, we're going to have to simply start disinfecting the message boards on Phantasy Tour one by one. The Yonder and Dead pages won't take long, but we anticipate over a month for each of the Phish and Bisco Phantasy pages"

Regular Phantasy Tour users hands may look like this without innoculation

A strain of this sort has not been seen since the early days of phans.com, which shut down due to an influx of Ebola in the late 1990s. Phantasytour hopes to avoid a demise from this strain of syphilis that will render it as barren as The Sloping Companion

Phantasytour.com CEO Paul Glace was unavailable for comment, but left his moderators up to the task of fielding any questions and complaints users may have. These questions and complaints will be fielded randomly and responded to without regard for content of the particular comment, regardless of the concern.

Reality Tour, however, is still up and running, despite featuring acceptable amounts of multiple strains of human viruses still as yet unidentified. Spokeswoman for Reality Tour, 'thegerg' issued a statement in regards to the news: "Whatevs. KYS n00b DIAF. This Kang could give a shit. RT is EpCoT"