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With Love,
Trey Antipasta, Cactus Jack and Robert Palmer Plore

The tour continues in 2012, the whining never stops....

Well now that Phish summer tour dates have arrived we see that they rightfully will be playing a plethora of shows on the east coast. Problem is not only do we have the annual summer tour, we also have the endless annual whining of the left coast fans. Seems nothing is ever good enough for the left. Always preaching about diversity and equality of more shows spread throughout the country only to still complain when they get their Colorado, California, and Washington dates. No this just isn’t good enough for the west coast. Nothing ever is. They always want more. Always looking for more handouts from phish with very little effort to show for it in return. Go get a real job and go on a real run on the east coast.

Meanwhile phish should be congratulated for displaying the courage to reward the hardworking right coast fans. The conservative schedule throughout the east stays true to their ideals allowing the real dedicated fans to show up. Why should the east coast lose out on show dates when this fan base has continually come out to support a group throughout the years going back to the beginnings? Phish needs to close its borders and keep tickets at home on the east coast. We need to reduce big touring and wasteful spending. The east coast is where true fans belong and
where phish needs to stay. So while the west coast will be crying in their heady beers this summer the east coast will rage on as always.

Phish Summer Tour 2012. The 1% Gets Richer While The 99% Suffer

Phish Summer Tour Dates are out and that can only mean one thing; the out of touch and corrupt Phish camp has taken great pride and screwed over 99% to please the greedy 1%. Once again the rich and entitled boys from Vermont are focusing their energy by performing close to home and away from their most loyal of fans. Skipping over such highly populated locations including Denver, Dallas, Las Vegas, San Francisco and St. Louis; the Coran Capshaw managed nostalgia act have once again decided to play ¾ full amphitheatres to a crowd that has grown fat on a band who clearly does not give a fuck about anyone living west of the Mississippi river. Below I have gathered some facts that no main stream media wants to publish. PHISH HATES THE WEST COAST!!!!!!!

By the time Phish wraps their summer 2012 tour, the 3.0 version of the band will have played no less than 80 times in the Eastern Time Zone while only performing a total of 15 shows in the Pacific Time Zone. Some additional stats for you to chew on, 36 shows will have been held in the state of New York, 11 shows in New Jersey, and 8 shows in Virginia and Massachusetts. As far as the Pacific Time Zone goes, four shows have been held at The Gorge which is a 2+ hour drive from either Seattle or Spokane 5 shows (Greek ‘09 and Tahoe ’11) were held at venues holding less than 10,000 people and one show was a headline set at a massive festival where phans had to sacrifice sets by Erykah Badu and The Shins in order to catch Phish.  That means the Pacific Time Zone has hosted a grand total of five headline shows in major metropolitan areas, and three of those (Berkeley) were next to impossible to obtain tickets for.

As if this is not disturbing enough, we live in a day and age where Phish struggles to draw on their own home turf. Many 1% members mocked Festival 8 in remote Indio, California for only drawing 45,000 without taking into consideration that it was the only Phish festival held while school was in session. With estimates for Superball IX festival maxing out at 40,000 attendees, the east coast festival had far less fans then Festival 8 in remote Indio, CA.  Venues like Hollywood Bowl and Shoreline when graced by Phish on weeknights have sold out in less than an hour while East Coast staples such as The Corporate Amphitheatre near Boston and Various Bank Amphitheatres in New Jersey have not sold out till day of show. Yet still no love from Mike, Trey, Page and Fish. Fuck, Trey hates the west coast so much, he can’t even remember what year the band recorded Hoist out here.

Hell Phish has even ignores us for late night television appearances. With Conan now filming on the Warner Bros. Lot, Jay Leno a few blocks away at NBC and Jimmy Kimmel live in Hollywood every weeknight, the band has played it safe only appearing on Jimmy Fallon’s NYC filmed show since their reunion. We can already confirm that Phish will play Letterman again before they play Jimmy Kimmel Live because that’s just the Phish thing to do.

One other thought to chew on. Why is it that Phish will offer East Coast pussies that can’t stay up to 1am on a weeknight a window of 48 hours to enjoy a Tahoe webcast, yet won’t allow west coasters who are often at work when an East Coast webcast kicks off the same option? IT’S BECAUSE THEY HATE THE WEST COAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If re-elected I call on President Barack "Llama" Obama to go after Phish and their camp of corrupt corporate puppets and demand that the band begins to perform more often out west. It’s not fair that 1% gets 99% of the Phish action.

Dark Star Orchestra's new 'Jerry' has middle finger amputated

In the interest of adding to the realism of the Dark Star Orchestra experience, new 'Jerry' Jeff Mattson recently underwent surgery to remove the middle finger of his right hand. "We aim for precision", said Lisa Mackey, female lead vocalist for the renowned Grateful Dead tribute band. "It wasn't something we asked him to do, but Jeff really took one for the team and I think it contributes to the group's effort to capture the realness of the Grateful Dead experience."

When asked about the amputation experience, Jeff held up his hand emphatically and excitedly shared "Oh this is gonna be so awesome! I used to play like Jerry, now its gonna be perfect!" Wincing in pain as he strummed his guitar whistfully, Mattson teared up a bit, perhaps in pain or out of emotion. The operation was deemed a success, as Dr. Gabel sat down and talked to Jeff about the recovery period and that he shouldnt play guitar till the digit is healed and bandages are removed. Mattson replied, "Doctor? Doctor? Mister M.D., can you tell me, what's ailing me?". Gabel replied, "You had elective surgery to remove a finger. The situation's gotten out of hand. You need to let it heal." Mattson begrudgingly agreed, saying "It sure is nice to be back in the game."

There was no word if bassist Kevin Rosen was planning to have his liver removed, despite being in good health.

Be Prepared: A Phish Heads Guide To The Walt Disney Concert Hall

By the time the Ginger Jedi known as Trey Anastasio walks onto the stage of the Walt Disney Concert Hall, it will have been 371 days since the Phish front man has last blessed the West Coast with a solo appearance.  Fortunate for us phans in the Pacific Time Zone, Mr. Anastasio will be joined by the Los Angeles Philharmonic. Typically reserved for socialites and not wooks, we have put together a quick list of tips for the Walt Disney Concert Hall in order to maximize your experience.

5) The Lot Scene: Walt Disney Concert Hall features plenty of underground parking for the low, low price of $9. With limited security, there is no reason us phans shouldn’t have this place hot boxed by 6:30.

4) The Lobby Scene: Too smokey in the parking lot for you? Have no fear the Walt Disney Concert Hall has a wonderful lobby where eating and drinking is encouraged. Come early; bring your vegan snacks and a six pack of your favorite microbrew.

3) $100 Bills: The staff at the Walt Disney Concert Hall takes their job very seriously. If they see as much as a cell phone out, they will swoop down upon you and yell at you. Knowing that this will make long respected Phish traditions like taping, nitrous and live tweeting difficult it is best that you bring Benjamin Franklin with you to keep your local usher far away.

2) The Acoustics: The Walt Disney Concert Hall was built for music. The sound inside the Frank Gehry designed venue is superb. It is in your best interest to be prepared, so make sure your clapping skills for “Stash” have been practiced before you enter the venue.

1) Special Guests: No, we are not talking about the LA Philharmonic. It’s the Walt Disney Concert Hall. While it may be an hour (three with traffic) away from the actual Disney theme parks down in the OC, just think about the collaborations that could go down. From Ariel from The Little Mermaid rocking a dinglehopper during Water In The Sky to Buzz Lightyear singing the submarine line from Time Turns Elastic, we could truly see some EPIC shit go down when Trey hits the heart of Los Angeles. 

Untrained HeadCount Volunteer Counts Heads, Registers Zero to Vote

At this past weekend's Umphrey's McGee shows at Best Buy Theater in Times Square, the ever present HeadCount table was staffed by live music fans who register voters and provide information on the issues to fans. However, one volunteer who was volunteering at his first show took the mission of HeadCount to be something different.

Greg Coleman from Mount Vernon, NY was excited to be taking in both an Umphrey's show as well as volunteer with HeadCount, but right from the start, something was off. "He was just kinda standing there, looking at everyone and counting to himself," reported Meghan Neely, a HeadCount volunteer for 4 years. "We thought he was just breaking the ice at first but he kept doing it and writing down numbers every so often. After about an hour he stopped doing anything altogether and went to watch the show." Coleman seemed to be sober, according to multiple eye witnesses, who noted that Coleman did not drink and was usually sober at shows. 

During setbreak Coleman returned to the HeadCount table, struck up a conversation with volunteers while they were talking to fans, some of whom were being registered to vote at the time. "Come on, I got this all done earlier. No sense doing it all over again" as Coleman attempted to end the effort to register voters from the Umphrey's McGee fanbase. Neely shared that she was confused, "He really seemed to think he had done the groups job all on his own. All he did was stand there and stare at the crowd counting. Thats when it hit me. He was actually COUNTING HEADS. What a dumbass."

When reached for comment, Coleman proudly reported that he counted 1,927 heads over the course of the night, close to the sell out crowd on Saturday night."Yup, I figured I would just get it done early, so I started counting all the people out near the bar, the coat check lines (those were easy) and around the bathrooms where those well placed seats are. Once I counted them, I headed inside and started counting in earnest before and during the show."

Remarked Coleman, "I feel like I really made a difference that night."

According to HeadCount Executive Director Andy Bernstein, Coleman was brought in for training, a first for all show volunteers of HeadCount. "I was surprised that he didn't know to get a clipboard, walk around, talk to fans and if they aren't registered to vote, you try and get them to register. Pretty cut and dry ya know?" Bernstein cannot recall an instance when a volunteer or staff member didn't know the primary mission of HeadCount was to register voters and promote issues awareness. "Seriously, I started HeadCount years ago and the thought has never crossed my mind to actually count people, let alone their heads. This is a first for me. Incredible"

Coleman went through a set of new training procedures that are now in place for all volunteers. A three-hour comprehensive Civics course followed by practicing registering voters. Bernstein reported that Greg passed with flying colors and seeing the error of his ways, will be counting heads at festivals this summer. 

Phish fans kick off new year in usual fashion: Bitching about the band they love

As routine as the swallows returning to San Capistrano, Phish fans began 2012 in expected fashion - complaining about New Years and bitching about what they didn't like. Already well known for loving the band to great lenghts, Phish fans sometimes cannot shut the fuck up when expectations aren't met, are exceeded, or even when they get everything they want. Such is the conundrum of Phish fans.

"The shows were fun and I loved seeing my friends, but the music was, well, lacking," was one of many comments from fans following the four-night stand at Madison Square Garden that culminated in a New Years Eve show with a gag that centered around the song 'Steam'. However, this did not satisfy fans in different ways, leading to complaints from all sides. A sampling of comments from message boards and Twitter:

"Why Steam? Fuck that song!"

"I can't believe they played Alaska and Velvet Sea AFTER midnight. WTF?"

"Who the fuck was that chick in the air?"

"Where the hell was Reba?"

"Did they forget to jam?"

"Why didn't they play something for 20 minutes?!"

"This song selection sucks!"

"Why aren't they playing what I want them to play?"

"Another Possum. FML."

A well thought out remark or two was found, but rare. Nearly all discussions about New Years were ended with "But I still love this band", showing that love was not lost and Phish fans have plenty of opinions about every single thing Phish does.

A spokesman for Phish responds to fan reaction with the following statement from the band:

Statement from Phish on New Years Run to the Fans: "What? What? WHAT?"

Individual band statements were issued as well :

Trey: "What?"
Page: "WhAt?"
Fish: "wHAT?"
and Mike: "(Cowbell noise)"

Exxon Valdez Captain Joseph Hazelwood remarks on his grounding of Holy Ship! in Bahamas

The infamous Captain of one of the worst environmental disasters, Joseph Hazelwood, remarked on his running of the MSC Poesia aground in shallow water in Grand Bahama. The boat was on a three day cruise under the festival name Holy Ship! featuring a mostly electronica-based lineup.

"Look, I apologize for mistaking 14 feet of water for 26 feet but Skrillex told me he had it under control. We agreed on a mutual swap - I would take over playing his dubstep, partially to prove anyone could make that shit work, and he would pilot the ship. Granted, three hours later I ran the ship aground but who knew that I would fall into a K-hole?"

Sloshing water on the podium at the press conference, Captain Hazelwood did appear remorseful in words but did not so in actions, refusing to "clean the oil off those fucking birds!"

Reports indicate that the ship was stuck for much of Saturday, January 7th and a few ravers were tossed to the side, partially from the lilting of the ship and partially because they were already dancing at an angle that would lead them to fall over anyways.

Hazelwood continued his defense of the situation, "This isn't oil you know. So Skrillex lost his glasses and he looks less like Corey Feldman. It's a fucking improvement I tell you. The boat made it back and I'm on vacation. You can find me at the bar."

No word yet if Jamcruise will swap Captain Stubing out for someone who can actually command a boat.

Jimmy receives some bad news from his father via text

Phish Summer 2012 Mock Draft

Every April the four members of Phish gather in a small coffee shop down the street from Radio City Music Hall and draft what songs they want to perform on their summer tour. Much like the National Football League, draft order is based off individual performance from the past year (thus Fishman always getting the first pick). While Phish 1.0 performance was based off of comments on Phish.net boards, the band has used #MVP Tweets to pick the draft order since reforming in the year of our lord, 2009. With the Phish draft, Round 1 is typically reserved for songs you will become sick of, Round 2 is for rare gems/covers that will only be played once and Round 3 is a free for all no holds bar balls to the wall wild card round where anything and everything goes.

We here at The Phunion are pleased to present to you with our Mock Draft for Summer Tour 2012.

Round 1

1) Trey Anastasio – Time Turns Elastic: (Pick acquired from Jon Fishman in exchange for Anastasio’s third round pick and three cows for ElderflowerFarm).

Fresh off his spring tour performing with various symphonies across America, Anastasio does not care if you decided to drain your lizard during this modern day classic. Trey is all about the long compositions in 2012 and plans to play TTE at least twelve times before the summer comes to an end.

2) Page McConnell – Wading In the Velvet Sea:

Let’s be real here, the boys are no longer spring chickens. Needing a breather (especially when they play at high altitude in locations like Colorado and Lake Tahoe) Phish needs to bring it down a few notches in the second set these days. Wading in the Velvet Sea is the natural choice for Summer Tour 2012 because much like novels by Nicholas Sparks, it creates tears from the sensitive types.

3) Trey Anastasio – Kill Devil Falls:

Anastasio’s New Year’s Resolution is to only flub this songs opening riff at every 5^th show this summer.  What better way than to play it over and over and over again.

4) Mike Gordon – Access Me:

Having traded Fishman for the first round pick last year (for legal reasons, we can’t say what was traded) Gordon was loved on Shakedown Streets from Bethel to George for using the pick on Possum. This year, Gordon has decided to pick the somewhat rare Access Me as the jam to make fans sick of. Not that it’s a bad song, he just enjoys watching Anastasio struggle with the composition in retaliation that he is not allowed to take a piss break during Time Turns Elastic.

Round 2:

1) Jon Fishman – Faht:

Just to be a prick, Fishman plans to bust this out at the one show that the incredible YouTube God MKDevo is unable to attend. Yes, he will flub three notes, but the goal is to get enough #MVP votes to not land with the #1 pick in 2013. He of course fails as rage side does not rhyme with Fishman side.

2) Page McConnell – Runaway Bride:

By April, the talk of the world will be Kim Kardashian’s love affair with Jarome Iginla of the Calgary Flames. With a July wedding planned, McConnell (a rabid fan of TMZ as well as any and all programming on the E! network) knows Kim will have cold feet and leave her new man waiting at the altar. It will be a rainy night in St. Louis when Phish performs this cut from McConnell’s 2007 solo record causing much confusion as to why Kardashian picked Iginla and not Blues right winger Chris Stewart.

3) Trey Anastasio – For The Actor (Mates of State cover):

It’s no secret that Anastasio is sick of hippies and craves to be an indie darling. While his Fox pilot New Guy was not picked up for the Fall Television season, that does not stop Anastasio from wearing plenty of plaid and enjoying new music from the likes of Girls, M83 and Blitzen Trapper. With it being reported that Anastasio is working with both The National and Mates of State, this one time cover is not only a natural choice, it will also get him 10% off his iPhone bill as the song was made famous by an AT&T Wireless commercial in 2008.

4) Mike Gordon – Weigh:

With only two appearances since the band reunited in 2009, Gordon decides to bring Weigh out for a lone appearance at the bands Friday headline set at the 2012 Lollapalooza festival. While the phans who make it out to Grant Park are ecstatic for the songs return, most are unable to hear it as Phish gets drowned out due to the noise pollution of Skrillex performing simultaneously on the Google + stage.

Round 3:

1) Jon Fishman – 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover:

Fishman likes the view from the front of his stage, and decides he wants a different look at such beloved corporate venues as 1-800-ASK-Gary Amphitheatre, U.S Cellular Pavilion and PNC Bank Arts Center.

2) Page McConnell – The Squirming Coil:

Feeling bad Mike Gordon can’t take a piss break during Time Turns Elastic, McConnell throws Gordo a bone.

3) Jon Fishman – Character Zero

A fun song to play, but really Fish just enjoys watching Wooks headbang in the front row.

4) Mike Gordon – Jagged Little Pill (Complete Alanis Morissette album):

With a lack of fans filling the USANA Amphitheatre in beautiful West Valley Utah, Gordon decides that once again it is time to bust out an entire album in the middle of Harpua for phans who make the trek to the “Life Elevated” state. What Gordon failed to realize that while people still love the 70’s juggernaut Dark Side of the Moon, no one but Gordon and Full House Dave Coulier star gives two shits about one of the best selling albums of the 1990’s. 

Mayan Holidaze Calendar ends on January 30th 2012. Is this the end of the world?

By Cactus Jack

With 2012 finally here we have a few dates that Mayan historians claim could be the end of the world. One new prophecy includes the date of January 30th, 2012. This marks the end of the Mayan Holidaze calendar. Archeologists are now pointing to this date as a possible change to life as we know it. Possible outcomes include human extinction, to a reversal in the Magnetic north and south poles, or even a shift in the Jamband hierarchy with The Disco Biscuits moving from 3rd tier Jamband to 1st. I’m not sure which one of these is more unbelievable.

It is expected that a mass cult group of people will converge on this date down in Mexico to celebrate the coming of the end of days. It is theorized that many will eat pills together claiming that on this date there will be a dramatic change to life as we know and only true believers will be living in ecstasy. While the former may not happen the latter certainly seems like a given.

While nothing about this theory is for certain, some strong evidence points to a cataclysmic end. First, we have no dates for future Phish concerts at this point. Without the holiest of holy to save us from the end of the Mayan Holidaze, the world will be in need of its saviors. At this point the world’s saviors have left us in 2011 and there is only speculation of when they will return. Second, the Disco Biscuit are headlining on January 30th, 2012. This alone could have the world spinning out of control. How is the world going to deal with a Disco Biscuits headliner? Politicians fear this alone could cause rioting in the streets.

The not too distant future looks grim if what is coming in the next month holds true. Let us pray that we survive the Mayan Holidaze and the world moves on to become stronger from the events on this date.