Dave Schools crowned Yokozuna during Setbreak at Fuji Rock Fest

In an unprecedented move by Japan's commission on Sumo Wrestling, Dave Schools was crowned Yokozuna during setbreak of Widespread Panic's set on Saturday July 30th.

"His girth and ability to consume more sushi than even the greatest of Yokozunas in our thousand year history. A thousand blessings upon him!"

Schools in action

Schools recent cologne, Barbecue Sauce, debuted in Japan weeks earlier, prompting a familiar waft from the crowd and permeate the incense customary for the elevation to Yokozuna.

Takanoshi, a 'splead-head' from Osaka was front and center for the event. "School's power, skill and grace on stage make him a most qualified Rikishi. We are honored as Japanese to have him among our greatest sumo wrestlers.

Schools could not be reach for comment, as he was eating a small village during setbreak.

Schools shows off the location of the village he will consume now that he is a Yokozuna

Nitrous Salesman Attracts Coveted Children's Market with Balloon Animals

With the adult and 20-something markets cornered, entrepreneurial Nitrous salesman Vic Hayes came up with a way to attract a new market for his gas: Balloon animals for the kids.

"Well," stated Hayes, "The kidz already liked them, what about the kids? There was potential to get kids twisted too, while getting some twisted balloons at the same time! This shit is like so dank of an idea. I'll twist the fuck out of some balloons for kids! I'll be like a lot-style clown, but not like a real clown, you feel me yo?"

Artist's depiction of potential lot scene

All kids should note that they have to pay 1 for 5, 4 for 20 like everyone else, with no fucking deals just like the rest. Hayes added, "If they spend all their allowance on gas, its no skin off my bones, this shit is delicious." No word on when his balloon twisting skills would be perfected in time for a festival this summer, but with an eye on the late summer, Nitrous Fest 2011 would be a likely spot for this debut performance.