Snoe.down a Haven for Designated Drivers

After the success of the 5th snoe.down in Rutland and Killington, Vermont, members of Jamband moe. announced their pleasure after a successful weekend of music, skiing and sober driving across The Green Mountains of Vermont.

"We developed Snoe.down to target the minorities of our fanbase, the designated drivers and the winter sports athletes," said Al Schnier, moe.'s guitarist and longtime designated driver. Moe.rons were enthusiastic for the weekend's festivities, although recent statistics from the Saranac Institute show that only 5% of moe.rons actually ski. Furthermore, only 10% of their fans stay sober in order to provide rides home for the other 90%. With the towns of Rutland & Killington roughly 30 minutes from each other, and longer if there is heavy traffic, designated drivers and other moe.rons were in a unique position. "We just felt that most festivals on the Jamband circuit don't give designated drivers the opportunity to showcase their talents on the freeway," said Schnier, "Snoe.Down gives cautious & safe drivers a chance to be everyday heroes." While the drive is winding and lengthy, traversing the two towns can be difficult for even the lightly buzzed, so the designated drivers are left to transport the faithful from town to town for each part of the festival. "Driving and weaving through the Green Mountains is a true test of a drivers grit," noted Al; "I was hoping for some heavier snowfall, ya know, to make things really interesting. But you can only ask for so much. Distance and endurance driving is a feature of Snoe.down and we are proud to be the only festival offering that during the winter months in the Northeast." "The facts are there," said Schnier, "After they've driven hours to get there...Some people want to do some more driving."

Manager Jon Topper thought it went well and looks forward to Snoe.down 2012. "With proper promotion, we can possibly set the record for biggest car pool caravan. We can make it happen moe.rons" Bassist Rob Derhak mentioned, "We've actually discussed changing the name to 'Designated Driver.Down', but the cost for the extra ink and printing costs outweighed the benefits. Plus, its wordy as fuck." Realizing he had just swore in front of his children, again, Rob expressed dismay and broke into Brent Black. Fans were quick to share their concerns about the distance between stages. "I never made it to the sets in Killington," said Janine Schmidt. "I tried walking but I think that side stage is pretty far away or somethin'." "Our friend drove us to Killington and back," said Mary Sharper, "We tried to have a little sesh in the back seat of the car. And our friend was like 'I'm sober! there's no smoking weed in my car! I have to take a drug test at work this week!'" moe. looks forward to continuing their annual tradition of Snoe.down in Rutland/Killington, Vermont and hope to expand the festival with venues set up throughout the state of Vermont, New Hampshire, Western Massachusetts and portions of Upstate New York, creating the largest festival, by radius, throughout the world. 2,000 people are expected to show up, though, not all in the same location at any given time over the weekend.

Announcing The PHunion!

The PHunion: A HIGHlarious news site launched this week, bringing satire to the Phish and Jamband communuties. Fans of many touring bands, including Widespread Panic, Furthur, Phish, Umphrey's McGee, String Cheese Incident, The Disco Biscuits and many more will find a home for satirical takes on their favorite band and humor based on the happenings in the Jamband community.

Trey Antipasta, longtime Phish and Jamband music fan announced The PHunion this week with posts dealing with Wooks (Wooks Nationwide Set To Unionize), The Disco Biscuits and Bill Monroe (Marc Brownstein: Just Once I Want To Play A Bluegrass Number With The Disco Biscuits), Trey Anastasio (Trey: Gingers Scare The Shit Out Of Me Too), Phil Lesh ("I Think I’m Hitting My Stride With These Donor Raps") and many more to come. Antipasta notes, "While Phantasy Tour is a great source of comedy, my friends and I wanted to have a humor site that wasn't intertwined with 'KYS', 'SIIHB' and other insults. That is unless we write a story on that, which we probably will now"

The PHunion will run on weekdays and expand as Summer Tour and Festival season approaches.

Want to write for The PHunion? email thephunion@gmail.com and ask for Molly.

Wooks Nationwide Set To Unionize

In a move that has shaken the Jamband community to its core, Wooks nationwide announced today that they will take the first steps to unionizing, with plans to be a fully incorporated Union by Memorial Day Weekend of 2011.

Early reports set the Molly Market more than doubling overnight, raising prices to over $200 a gram and set off a flurry of concern as to the rise in cost of lot goods and the normal 40 hour work weeks that Wooks would now be able to hold. "If a Wook were to unionize and work 40 hours before a show on Saturday, do I have to pay double for my drugs? Fuck that man", said tour regular Larry Shake. "Why should I have to pay for their medical benefits? They aren't going to use them. I mean seriously, the Wooks aren't going to use their dental coverage. Who would even put that in the contract?"

Brah Tweed

Other concerns were brought to the head of the Wook Unionization movement, Brah Tweed, who spoke from Shakedown on Furthur tour Friday night. "All hardworking Wooks ask for is fair health benefits, retirement accounts and the respect of a kick down to get down." Tweed added, "Yes, I see the irony of calling my fellow Wooks 'hardworking', but Molly doesn't sell itself!"When informed that yes, drugs do sell themselves, Tweed muttered unintelligibly and stumbled off between two parked cars.

One of the biggest concerns facing Wooks is whether Phish tour counts as work or vacation. Partnership with both the AFLSD and the CIOHMYGODTHISISAWESOME is on hold until Wooks can get their shit together long enough to figure this out.

Despite hurdles, Wooks are planning the '1,000,000 Brah March' which will take place when Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, Phish, Furthur are not touring and there are no festivals planned. The march will be held Christmas Day, 2011, in Manchester, Tennessee.

Marc Brownstein: Just Once I Want To Play A Bluegrass Number With The Disco Biscuits

In a move that shocked many electronic fans and the entire Headcount staff, Marc Brownstein, bassist for The Disco Biscuits went on record in favor of moving into the previously unexplored realm of bluegrass.

“Bill Monroe is the Godfather of Bluegrass and its high time The Disco Biscuits played ‘Blue Moon of Kentucky’ the way it was meant to be played: for 30 minutes and with multiple teases of Tony Rice songs. And lasers. Lots of lasers.” Brownie later added: ‘Whaaaaaattuuuuupppp?’

Multiple segues have been developed, including Hot Air Balloon->Foggy Mountain Breakdown->Svenghali, My Little Georgia Rose->Shelby Rose, and a monster Shem Rah Boo->Roll In My Sweet Baby's Arms, both of which will remain unfinished.

1000th Phish Blog Started, Discussing Phish Lighting Director Chris Kuroda's Wardrobe at Sunday Phish Shows

A record 1000^th Phish Blog was started this week, discussing the Sunday attire of Lighting Director Chris ‘CK5’ Kuroda. The site - http://www.lightingupkuroda.blogspot.com/ – will have discussions each week regarding the clothing selections of Chris Kuroda. Site founder, Mike Chatham cited “a deep interest in Kuroda's best day of the week, Sunday”. 

When Phish isn’t on tour or a Sunday is skipped on tour, suggestions will be fielded from the fans regarding the clothes they would like to see Chris wearing when he is at the board. 

Kuroda was reported to be flattered by the blog, noting “I’ll take their suggestions but simply ask that if I choose to wear a suggestion, that person needs to bring me the head of one of those laser-pointer guys.”

Trey: Gingers Scare The Shit Out Of Me Too

In a startling revelation, Trey Anastasio from Phish has gone on the record that Ginger scare him. "It all started when I lived in Saratoga. There were all these pale kids with red hair walking around, freckle faced and frightening as hell. Sure, I know I’m a ginger but my children were spared and I figured I was the last Ginger out there. Turns out they’re all over. A frightening bunch they are. I’d write a song about it but I don’t want to go to that dark place."

Rumor: Phish To Play Continental United States 40-50 Times A Year From Here On Out

Phil Lesh: "I Think I’m Hitting My Stride With These Donor Raps"

Bassist Phil Lesh from The Grateful Dead and Furthur reportedly is excited that his donor raps have been so consistent over the past decade that he is looking into improvising his speech supporting organ donation. “My life was saved because a kid told his parents, ‘If anything happens to me, I want to be an organ donor’, but who is this kid and why does the donor rap only have to be a minute long? I think some elaborate story telling is in order.” 

Lesh hopes to work the Donor Rap into future sets, removing it from its pre-encore position. A rumored The Other One-> Donor Rap-> Mountains of the Moon is in the works, with a change to Althea’s lyrics coming in the form of a car accident where Althea donates her liver to a bass player.

Gourds Sue Phish For Claiming Cover Of ‘Gin And Juice’ As Their Own

Texan bluegrassers The Gourds recently filed suit against Phish today in response to the consistent labeling and attachment of their famed cover of Snoop Dog’s ‘Gin and Juice’ that has given Phish the credit and The Gourds none.  

Saying from his parent’s basement, Gourds lead singer Kevin Russell was upset saying “that song was our one chance to break out of this Texan hellhole of playing bars, strip clubs and football game pep rallies. We play it but people tell us that its not our song. Well dammit it is!” 

When informed that Phish doesn’t claim this to be their own, Russell reportedly bashed his mandolin, took to Limewire to show proof that it was all their fault, then crumpled on the floor crying, sippin on gin, as the money for juice had been spent. 

Study: Majority of Male Phish Fans 'Gay for Trey', Single, Yet Straight

In a shocking development that has left the Phish community stunned and confused, a recent study from Baruch College of Industrial Fine Art reports that 59% of all male Phish fans are ‘Gay for Trey’, yet nearly all of these fans are straight, and most single. 

Mike is Gay for Trey too!

When asked what the disparity was, longtime fan John Zuck said, “Look, I’ve been clear with my sexuality, I am straight, I have a girlfriend back home in Illinois, but given the opportunity on tour, yeah man, I’m totally gay for Trey!” 

Other male fans noted similar conundrums, “If Trey were to need me to, you know, play with his 8 foot florescent tube, well, yeah, why not? He’s done so much for me, a handie is a simple way of saying ‘thanks!’”

It was also reported that 89% of Phish fans are male, leaving the 11% of women to wonder openly, ‘So we should be getting laid more, right?’

PEW Research Reveals First Ever Phish Tickets by Mail Results Prediction

The PEW Research group has announced today the predicted results of the latest Phish Tickets by Mail (PTBM) will result in a few happy fans and many fans not as happy.

Using a series of benchmark indicators, PEW predicted that out of an estimated 10,000 PTBM requests, only 1,000 will be fulfilled to a few lucky fans liking while the other 9,000 submissions will provide fewer than expected or potentially zero tickets. Lead researcher George Henderson noted 'a flurry of panic that will set in from coast to coast should be expected to last until everyone gets their tickets.' Early reports from PEW indicate that 'Yes, everyone WILL get in, provided they stay cool and don't panic. Everyone gets in. Just be cool, alright?'

Noting the need for Phish tickets in the upcoming and all important Summer Tour Leg 1, Gretchen Palmer explained how she was always shut out of PTBM and had to try for them online the next weekend. "Dude, I never get hooked up by PTBM, ever! I have to try online and be lucky if i can get ONE ticket. It sucks." When asked how many shows she went to in 2010, Gretchen replied, "25 or so."

While some fans may not get their tickets through Mail Order for Phish, there are reportedly still a large number of tickets still available for Zooma Tour.

Kang: I Coined The Phrase ‘Kangfirmed’

The root of the Internet phrase ‘Kangfirmed’ was discovered this Monday when Michael Kang, member of String Cheese Incident, came forth to report that he had originated the name of the Internet phrase popular among jamband-fans that is used to denote when something is ‘more than confirmed’ or ‘oh it is SO confirmed’.

Kang

Kang was a member of Phantasy Tour, a website devoted to community interactions that leave the user humiliated yet addicted to the site. In September 2001, under the username ‘nershilover420’, Kang leaked the dates of upcoming shows for The Fillmore Auditorium in Denver in March of 2002. Fans would not believe him even though he said it was ‘Confirmed’ and later ‘CONFIRMED’, so Kang had to take it a step further. “I was a bit pissed, since I was a member of this community online and no one was taking me seriously, mocking me nonstop, telling me to SIIHB and KYS, so I had to throw some cred out there and dropped my name, figuring no one would know it was me.” 

Kang and Hann

Kang told detractors that these dates were “Kangfirmed”, which brought an aire of respect and admiration for ‘nershilover420’ and the word took off. “I didn’t venture back to the site much after that because we were on tour and all, then before Bonnaroo I had some downtime and looked online and ‘Kangfirmed’ was everywhere! I was flattered, in a way, but knowing I came up with it kinda lessens the achievement part for me.” 

Kang was not one to smile or be joyful: “I’m gonna die not being known as the mandolin player but as a word that a few thousand people throw out there to confirm something. Kang replaced Con? Is that even possible?”

It can be presumed that when Kang does expire, his death will be Kangfirmed to the EOTO power on Phantasy Tour.