The infamous Captain of one of the worst environmental disasters, Joseph Hazelwood, remarked on his running of the MSC Poesia aground in shallow water in Grand Bahama. The boat was on a three day cruise under the festival name Holy Ship! featuring a mostly electronica-based lineup.
"Look, I apologize for mistaking 14 feet of water for 26 feet but Skrillex told me he had it under control. We agreed on a mutual swap - I would take over playing his dubstep, partially to prove anyone could make that shit work, and he would pilot the ship. Granted, three hours later I ran the ship aground but who knew that I would fall into a K-hole?"
Sloshing water on the podium at the press conference, Captain Hazelwood did appear remorseful in words but did not so in actions, refusing to "clean the oil off those fucking birds!"
Reports indicate that the ship was stuck for much of Saturday, January 7th and a few ravers were tossed to the side, partially from the lilting of the ship and partially because they were already dancing at an angle that would lead them to fall over anyways.
Hazelwood continued his defense of the situation, "This isn't oil you know. So Skrillex lost his glasses and he looks less like Corey Feldman. It's a fucking improvement I tell you. The boat made it back and I'm on vacation. You can find me at the bar."
No word yet if Jamcruise will swap Captain Stubing out for someone who can actually command a boat.
Every April the four
members of Phish gather in a small coffee shop down the street from Radio City Music
Hall and draft what songs they want to perform on their summer tour. Much like
the National Football League, draft order is based off individual performance
from the past year (thus Fishman always getting the first pick). While Phish
1.0 performance was based off of comments on Phish.net boards, the band has
used #MVP Tweets to pick the draft order since reforming in the year of our
lord, 2009. With the Phish draft, Round 1 is typically reserved for songs you
will become sick of, Round 2 is for rare gems/covers that will only be played
once and Round 3 is a free for all no holds bar balls to the wall wild card
round where anything and everything goes.
We here at The Phunion
are pleased to present to you with our Mock Draft for Summer Tour 2012.
Round 1
1) Trey
Anastasio – Time Turns Elastic:(Pick acquired from
Jon Fishman in exchange for Anastasio’s third round pick and three cows for ElderflowerFarm).
Fresh off his spring
tour performing with various symphonies across America, Anastasio does not care
if you decided to drain your lizard during this modern day classic. Trey is all
about the long compositions in 2012 and plans to play TTE at
least twelve times before the summer comes to an end.
2) Page
McConnell – Wading In the Velvet Sea:
Let’s be real here,
the boys are no longer spring chickens. Needing a breather (especially when
they play at high altitude in locations like Colorado and Lake Tahoe) Phish
needs to bring it down a few notches in the second set these days. Wading
in the Velvet Sea is the natural choice for Summer Tour 2012 because
much like novels by Nicholas Sparks, it creates tears from the sensitive types.
3) Trey
Anastasio – Kill Devil Falls:
Anastasio’s New Year’s
Resolution is to only flub this songs opening riff at every 5th show
this summer. What better way than to play it over and over and over
again.
4) Mike Gordon
– Access Me:
Having traded Fishman
for the first round pick last year (for legal reasons, we can’t say what was
traded) Gordon was loved on Shakedown Streets from Bethel to George for using
the pick on Possum. This year, Gordon has decided to pick the
somewhat rare Access Me as the jam to make fans sick of. Not
that it’s a bad song, he just enjoys watching Anastasio struggle with the
composition in retaliation that he is not allowed to take a piss break during Time
Turns Elastic.
Round 2:
1) Jon Fishman
– Faht:
Just to be a prick,
Fishman plans to bust this out at the one show that the incredible YouTube
God MKDevo is unable to attend. Yes, he will flub three notes, but the
goal is to get enough #MVP votes to not land with the #1 pick in 2013. He of
course fails as rage side does not rhyme with Fishman side.
2) Page
McConnell – Runaway Bride:
By April, the talk of
the world will be Kim Kardashian’s love affair with Jarome Iginla of the
Calgary Flames. With a July wedding planned, McConnell (a rabid fan of TMZ as
well as any and all programming on the E! network) knows Kim will have cold
feet and leave her new man waiting at the altar. It will be a rainy night in
St. Louis when Phish performs this cut from McConnell’s 2007 solo record
causing much confusion as to why Kardashian picked Iginla and not Blues right
winger Chris Stewart.
3) Trey Anastasio
– For The Actor (Mates of State cover):
It’s no secret that
Anastasio is sick of hippies and craves to be an indie darling. While his Fox
pilot New Guy was not picked up for the Fall Television
season, that does not stop Anastasio from wearing plenty of plaid and enjoying
new music from the likes of Girls, M83 and Blitzen Trapper. With
it being reported that Anastasio is working with both The National and Mates of
State, this one time cover is not only a natural choice, it will also get him
10% off his iPhone bill as the song was made famous by an AT&T Wireless
commercial in 2008.
4) Mike Gordon
– Weigh:
With only two
appearances since the band reunited in 2009, Gordon decides to bring Weigh out
for a lone appearance at the bands Friday headline set at the 2012 Lollapalooza festival. While the phans who make it out to Grant Park are ecstatic for the
songs return, most are unable to hear it as Phish gets drowned out due to the
noise pollution of Skrillex performing simultaneously on the Google + stage.
Round 3:
1) Jon Fishman
– 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover:
Fishman likes the view
from the front of his stage, and decides he wants a different look at such
beloved corporate venues as 1-800-ASK-Gary Amphitheatre, U.S Cellular Pavilion
and PNC Bank Arts Center.
2) Page
McConnell – The Squirming Coil:
Feeling bad Mike
Gordon can’t take a piss break during Time Turns Elastic, McConnell
throws Gordo a bone.
3) Jon Fishman
– Character Zero
A fun song to play,
but really Fish just enjoys watching Wooks headbang in the front row.
4) Mike Gordon
– Jagged Little Pill (Complete Alanis Morissette album):
With a lack of fans
filling the USANA Amphitheatre in beautiful West Valley Utah, Gordon decides
that once again it is time to bust out an entire album in the middle of Harpua for
phans who make the trek to the “Life Elevated” state. What Gordon failed to
realize that while people still love the 70’s juggernaut Dark Side of
the Moon, no one but Gordon and Full House Dave
Coulier star gives two shits about one of the best selling albums of the
1990’s.
With 2012 finally here we have a few dates that Mayan historians claim could be the end of the world. One new prophecy includes the date of January 30th, 2012. This marks the end of the Mayan Holidaze calendar. Archeologists are now pointing to this date as a possible change to life as we know it. Possible outcomes include human extinction, to a reversal in the Magnetic north and south poles, or even a shift in the Jamband hierarchy with The Disco Biscuits moving from 3rd tier Jamband to 1st. I’m not sure which one of these is more unbelievable.
It is expected that a mass cult group of people will converge on this date down in Mexico to celebrate the coming of the end of days. It is theorized that many will eat pills together claiming that on this date there will be a dramatic change to life as we know and only true believers will be living in ecstasy. While the former may not happen the latter certainly seems like a given.
While nothing about this theory is for certain, some strong evidence points to a cataclysmic end. First, we have no dates for future Phish concerts at this point. Without the holiest of holy to save us from the end of the Mayan Holidaze, the world will be in need of its saviors. At this point the world’s saviors have left us in 2011 and there is only speculation of when they will return. Second, the Disco Biscuit are headlining on January 30th, 2012. This alone could have the world spinning out of control. How is the world going to deal with a Disco Biscuits headliner? Politicians fear this alone could cause rioting in the streets.
The not too distant future looks grim if what is coming in the next month holds true. Let us pray that we survive the Mayan Holidaze and the world moves on to become stronger from the events on this date.
The latest trend in Phish lot merchandise took an unexpected turn when a fan who claimed to have collected over 200 pins in the past two years collapsed and lay motionless on the sidewalk near Madison Square Garden.
While weighing very little, the unnamed male pin collector had amassed over 100o pins, including 200 Phish pins, many of which were worn on an oversized hoodie, to accommodate the baubles. While trying to get up from his seat at a bar near MSG, he struggled to cross the street. With some help from friends and balancing on waiting taxis, the 20-something fan then fell over, unable to move underneath the weight of the hundreds of tiny Lilliputian metal coffins.
The collection that weighed the fan down:
"The dude has been a FORCE on the pin collecting scene since Hampton. Dude always has extras to trade, hooked me up with a sick pin from 8 and the entire puzzle set from summer 2010. I hope he's OK, but if not, those pins are fair fucking game man."
When reached for comment, the paramedics stated "we've never seen anything like this. It's like he was bogged down by pimp chains, but these are tiny as hell. We're re-hydrating him and hopefully can get some of these pins off him so he can walk, but so far he twitches and lashes out when we try to remove the pins. Its a daunting task."
The fan was reported to be in stable condition at Makisupa Presbyterian. No word if he took his tickets with him or hooked a brother up on the way out.
Irritated and upset with the crowd’s performance at last night’s Disco Biscuits show, Bassist Marc Brownstein stopped in the middle of Svenghali and announced that the entire crowd was fired.
"I just couldn’t take it anymore. The crowd just was not getting down, I didn’t see them getting into these thick bombs I was dropping and far too many were focused on their cell phones. I expect more from a crowd. So I did what I had to do”
The crowd, while stunned, complied and left the show, which was only two songs into the second set at 2:30 in the morning. “Brownie’s right, we could have done better. No, we should have done better. I’m sorry I let him down,” shared Molly B. Untzington of Floral Park, NY. “I brought my A-game but I have no one to blame but myself. Did you hear that fucking Minions? Shit dude, how was I not dancing with the intensity of a bomb going off?”
Others were not as thrilled and complained at the mass firing but they were reassured when reminded there was a post-post show featuring Orchard Lounge starting at 4am at the Highline Ballroom.
A new crowd was gathered out in front and informed that they were expected to “dance their fucking faces off,” according to a bystander who witnessed the transfer of crowds in and out of the venue. The switch of audience took less than 30 minutes due to the adept crowd-control exhibited by Allen Aucoin who had stepped outside to cool down after sweating for the last two hours and helped speed the transition.
The new crowd consisted of a few dozen Bisco fans who did not have tickets to the original show, dozens of tourists including a Japanese tour group led by Hal Masa, a few Times Square hookers, some homeless folks and a few hundred Occupy Wall Street Protestors who went on to chant "This is what a Bisco crowd looks like" upon entering the building.
The crowd was treated to a House Dog Party Favor->Space Bird Mating Call, although Shem Rah Boo was left unfinished.
Said Brownstein, “This is more like it. I love this crowd! Onto Chicago!”
Because we all want to hear certain songs or see certain things at the 4 upcoming Phish shows, here is The Phunion's staff list of things they are looking for the most to end the year:
10. Phish plays Crowd Control for the Occupy Crowd, location: some random park.
9. Something to make this gram of molly worth it.
8. Lifeboy.
7. A mashup of Thunderstruck and Fuck Your Face. Title: Thunderfuck Your Face.
6. Security guards that don't do their job and let us all get the fuck down wherever there is room.
5. A 30 minute version of anything, as long as it rhymes with Geezer or Schmost.
4. No mention of The National, ever again.
3. A new years gag that has something with houses. after a year of WHAT? and HOUSE, something like singing "OUR HOUSE" with Hugh Laurie on vocals would be expected, if not damn near guaranteed.
2. Gold Soundz.
1. No phish fans complaining about any part of the show (phans can dream, right?)
Happy Holidays from The Phunion. We'll be updating throughout the NYE run, so follow us @thephunion on twitter and stay tuned for news as it happens here at thephunion.blogspot.com
Sloshing water on the podium at the press conference, Captain Hazelwood did appear remorseful in words but did not so in actions, refusing to "clean the oil off those fucking birds!"
Hazelwood continued his defense of the situation, "This isn't oil you know. So Skrillex lost his glasses and he looks less like Corey Feldman. It's a fucking improvement I tell you. The boat made it back and I'm on vacation. You can find me at the bar."
