Following SuperBall IX, Festival 8 downgraded to AA+

In a move that sent shockwaves through the Phish community, Festival 8 was downgraded from a rating of AAA to AA+, following the tremendous performance of Phish at SuperBall IX. The major rating agencies, including Standard and Poors as well as Moody's all agreed that the music played at SuperBall IX was so impressive that it warranted not only a rating of AAA but also a downgrade of the most recent Phish festival, Festival 8.

"Well, I don't know if I should be elated or upset," opined Trey Anastasio, guitarist for Phish. "On the one hand, its great to see that SuperBall IX got a AAA rating but to have your last festival downgraded as a result, thats just a headscratcher. Was SuperBall so good it could affect the past? Whoa. I gotta sit down," remarked Trey as he took a seat and stared blankly out the window for 10 minutes.

When presented with the findings, some Phish fans called foul but a few were able to look at the big picture and offer their opinion. "I was at Festival 8 and yeah, it was amazing, from the Stones set, the Burble and the acoustic set, but if you're gonna compare the two, SuperBall smokes Fest 8 like a bag of headies," noted longtime Phish fan Mark Kelley. "Maybe it was so intense that it made the last fest look worse by comparison. I can get behind that man. Really, I can."

The downgrade does little to effect the economic pull of Phish, which has already released a 3D movie of the festival set in the Coachella Valley of California and has little marketing planned for Festival 8. "SuperBall stands to benefit in a great manner as being the upper echilon of Phish festivals in the 21st century," said Louis Criscione, head analyst at Moody's and Phish fan since 1987. "Having seen The Went, The Wheel, IT and all the other festivals, there is no question in my mind this festival deserves a AAA rating. They went above and beyond throughout the festival. There wasn't a dull moment." Criscione continued "And shit man, the Storage Jam? Un-fucking-real. Best Sleeping Monkey ever!"

Criscione was fast to point out that SuperBall IX would benefit from the rating two-fold. "First, the band can charge what they want on all merchandise from SuperBall IX, whatever is leftover that is. Second, they can't take their time planning their next move for a festival. If they return to Watkins Glen, they'll be expected to put on a show just as good, if not better than SuperBall. The fans will want it and expect it. We'll expect it, because the bar is now set high."

At press time, there was no comment from The Burble.

Brendan Bayliss takes leave of absence from Umphrey's McGee; returns to Notre Dame to play football

South Bend, Indiana

Returning to his alma mater at an hour of greatest need, Umphrey's McGee guitarist, singer and founder Brendan Bayliss opted to forgo his continued path to rock stardom at least temporarily so that he could play quarterback for The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame.

With two years of eligibility left and a cannon that would surprise many Umphreaks and Irish alumni as well, Bayliss held a brief press conference to confirm that he would be taking a leave of absence from Umphrey's McGee, at least temporatily, while he fills in at quarterback for Notre Dame, which has suffered greatly since Bayliss graduated in 1998.

"Look, we're 1-2 and even the win against Michigan State wasn't fulfilling. I'm doing what I have to do, as a proud alumni, as a great quarterback and as someone who knows how to win," said Bayliss to an enthusiastic crowd outside The Store in Chicago. Wearing the Notre Dame jersey of Joe Montana, Bayliss evoked an image of a leader on the field, commanding the Irish down the field in victory. There was not a dry eye or panty in the house.

Bayliss' senior year of high school netted a spectacular season

• Passing Yards Per Game
  264.0
• Points Per Game
  13.7
• Passing Yards
  3502
• Passing TD
  28
• Qb Rating
  121.1
• Rushing Yards
  1348

Early scouting reports note that Bayliss's quarterbacking skills are great, with over 3500 yards in his senior year of high school. He threw for 28 touchdowns and ran for 12 more. In workouts, scouts notes that he could evade defenders, a skill likely gained after years of dodging adoring female fans during and after shows. "Even though he hasn't played in a competitive game in over 13 years, what I saw in practice the other day puts all doubt out of my mind," observed scout Charlie Dixon. "I rode on the tour bus with the guy for four days and he was spending hours practicing bullet passes down the middle corridor of the bus, perfecting his throw (to a solid receiver in Ryan Stasik, a fellow alumni) and getting in quick games in the parking lot before he took the stage each night. I tell you, this kid is ready."

Even Bayliss' band mates are supportive of the idea. Bassist Ryan Stasik as well as keyboard/piano player Joel Cummins each were supportive of his move from frontman for Umphrey's McGee to quarterback for their shared alma mater. "I've always felt Bayliss could be quarterback based on all our mid-tour pick up games. We continually smoke moe. at Summercamp each year with him behind center and we are undefeated against Cornmeal and the Kansas City Chiefs. I am proud to take a few months off knowing he'll be leading Notre Dame to victory," shared an enthusiastic Cummins. "We are wrapping up the 'Death by Stereo' tour shortly and we will be back in Chicago in no time. Brendan is taking off the Saturday show at the Norva and we're clearing the schedule till the end of the season. He said he'd do double duty between the band and Notre Dame, but we can wing it as a five piece till the end of the season, and likely next year as well. He has two years of eligibility left after all."

A gleeful Stasik chimed in "And guess who gets to sing finally? That's right, I'm taking over Bayliss' vocals till he returns. Best silver lining to this whole thing."

Fans are mixed on the idea, wondering why Bayliss is forgoing tour this fall when there is a new album to promote and potentially a conflict with New Years Eve in St. Louis if Notre Dame makes it to a bowl game on the 30th or 31st of December. Many fans on The Bort, a popular Umphrey's McGee fan forum, expressed dismay because they had given up on Notre Dame years ago, like most of the country. Jeremy O'Malley, longtime Umphrey's fan and frequenter of The Bort shared his thoughts. "I don't see how he can rescue that sinking ship. He's not playing special teams and defense too is he? Cause they need more than just a quarterback that shreds. Fuck it, I love Bayliss and Umphrey's, I'll support him. Go Irish!"

Fans from The Bort have already been suggesting names for play calls, including Blue Echo, Ocean Billy, 2x2 (2 receivers on each side), Conduit (creating a seam up the middle), Divisions (to split the defenders), Gulf Stream (when playing the SEC), and Push the Pig (QB sneak). If recommendations are taken, fans of both Umphrey's McGee and Notre Dame will have all audibles now referred to as 'Jimmy Stewart.'

Head coach Brian Kelly said in a statement, "If Bayliss can throw as good as he can shred, then we're looking like champions again."

After 7 long years, Phish finally decides to clean up the mess they left in Coventry, Vermont

by Cactus Jack, new contributor to The Phunion

After the hurricane Irene disaster left parts of Vermont in shambles causing many residents and business owners to be left with nothing, the home state heroes Phish are putting on a benefit concert to aid the Vermont relief fund. The concert also serves as relief for fans of the Vermont jamband who are still recovering from the Coventry, VT festival back in August of 2004. One anonymous phish fan said “It’s great that Phish has stepped up to help their fans recover from the Coventry festival while at the same time help the state of Vermont in such tragic times.”

The Coventry disaster is known by many Phish fans as “The worst concert ever.” This not only includes the 1,000 plus shows phish has played over their career but includes every concert by all artists throughout music history. These are harsh words when you include the likes of the Rolling Stones Altamont concert, Woodstock 99 and the ensuing riots, as well as every String Cheese Incident concert ever.

artist rendering of Coventry

Yet Phish now has their opportunity to right the ship that was Coventry. While that boat is still stuck in the mud from that fateful weekend trip back in 2004, Phish fans believe in their hearts they can. “They’ve been killing it this last tour and Trey is playing like he did in 98’: a lot of great bustouts and jams. While they will never be as good a pre 1998 it shouldn’t be hard to put on a better show than 2004.” said a local resident and fan.

Many Phish fans may even return to the spot known as the worst concert ever, to reminisce about the tragedy of Coventry. One heartbroken fan said “I may go to Coventry while I come up to Vermont for the benefit concert but I have mixed emotions about it. While I’m happy to have this concert to make up for the concert in Coventry I also lost many good sandals to the mud that weekend. You can’t bring those sandals back ever. Even with a benefit concert in Vermont.” Some may try to look for the famous memorial rhombus left behind at the Coventry site to mark the date of the festival that was claimed to be Phish’s last concert but Town officials warn fans to not seek it out. Unfortunately, reports from 2004 show that the memorial was buried in mud before the concert ended and it has yet to be recovered.

While this concert might never make up for the mess left in Coventry, many fans are hoping to find solace in the upcoming benefit concert. The trek may be long and arduous physically and emotionally to come back to Vermont for a concert put on by the band Phish but the reward for some fans could be a great concert. It may also ease the mind of many fans still troubled by the Coventry festival.

Of course not all fans are happy about the benefit concert as Jon Horningston from California states “Why no west coast love? We always get left out."

Al Schnier's toupee fooling no one

Fans at moe.down XII were not fooled when guitarist Al Schnier stepped on stage Friday night wearing a toupee. Bald since his mid-20s, Schnier was greeted with feigned applause as they noticed the rug attached to his head.

Many in the crowd could not tell if it was a joke or not but Al didn't let on that he was goofing on the crowd. Instead, he casually ran his fingers through the fake hair, scratched his head and brushed the hair out of his eyes, even when there was no hair to be moved.

"Seriously, Al is bald and NOW he wants to cover it up? Come on Al, we know you're bald, we all do. Just sport the dome and quit kidding around," noted moe. fan Lindsey Hakk. "This is just sad."

During a rambunctious Lazurus, the toupee became unglued in the back and flopped around as Al jammed out the ending. Acting like nothing was out of the norm, he simple brushed the hair back from his eyes and reminded the crowd to pick up a piece of trash on the way out of the concert field, following a 35 minute session of announcements, messages and milestones that fans had given him to read.

Backstage Saturday afternoon, Al was still wearing the toupee. Conversations with fans resulted in Al skirting the issue and mentioning how great moe.down was. He continued to wear the hairpiece throughout the weekend, treating the postiche as though he had not been bald all these years.

Meanwhile, Chuck spent late Saturday night with adoring fans worshiping him as Satan.

Hot Dog scared, lonely at Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

The famed Phish Hot Dog which appeared at NYE 1994, 1999 and 2010 has been reported to be lonely and scared while hanging in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.

Fans admiring the Hot Dog could see the hot dog shaking, nervous that the wires holding it suspended 20 feet in the air would snap, plummeting the steel and foam wooden stage prop to its bitter end. "Heeeeeee.......hellllllp me", could be heard uttered quietly above, seemingly from patrons of the museum, but even late at night security guards noticed the cries from above.

"Its been like that since mid-January, just not doing well I tell ya", observed Duncan Crenshaw, assistant curator of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "That thing has been here for years now, then it gets taken to New York for some New Years Eve gig. I figure it was happy to get out, stretch, hang out with Phish again with the band, after ten years of nothing but token 'Hey, I was in town and thought I'd stop by' visits from Trey and the others. They took the hot dog to Vermont, went out on the town, had a nice meal or two, went skiing and caught up with the hot dog. It was just like old times."

Things took a turn for the worse when the hot dog was loaded back up on the truck and prepared to head back for Cleveland. "Well, I figure I wouldn't want to head back to Cleveland, let alone be forced to go back there after hanging out with Phish for a week. I'd go kicking and screaming just like the hot dog did. But it's here and it isn't happy."

When asked by The Phunion about the recent cries for help, the hot dog replied "Oh please, put your pen down and help me! Get me down from here! This isn't a joke, I cannot stand it up here!"

The hot dog seemed desperate to get down to the ground level, near the iconic fries and shake that accompanied the hot dog on the stage at NYE 1994 in the Boston Garden. Previous interviews with the hot dog on January 1st, 1995 by The Phunion showed a different attitude: "Oh this is so amazing! I feel so alive! I love this band so much! I can't wait for what's next."

What's next was storage, but with the fries and shake, the hot dog wasn't alone. For four and a half years, they bonded. Then, in late 1999, the hot dog was taken out of storage and brought to Big Cypress Seminole Indian Reservation for Phish's millennium concert. Centerstage once again, the hot dog was on top of the world while Phish was on top of him. This would be the last time the hot dog would be heard from for over 10 years.

"I call those the dark years," said the hot dog (after The Phunion scored him a zannie bar; we're good like that) noting that he fell into a deep depression when he was moved, along with the fries and shake, "because I dont really remember anything. Nothing happened. Fries and Shake and I said goodbye to the band, we were packed up, moved off to Cleveland and sat in storage while they 'figured out what to do with us.' Creepy shit man. We had no idea what to expect. Then, one day, we were wheeled out to a big open area and unloaded onto the floor. Fries and Shake had a nice setup off to the side of the foyer, but then some guys drilled holes into me, which hurt like a motherfucker. I mean seriously!"

"Then, I kinda blacked out and came to, hours later, hanging from the ceiling. I was confused, scared and in pain. I wound up falling into a coma for many years. I woke up when Trey and some other band he plays with stopped by, but he didn't come up and see me. He just waved from the floor. I was hurt. I fell into a deep depression."

"One day last fall, they started taking me down and then told me I was off to New York City! Oh I had never been and I was so happy! And I was part of New Years Eve again! That's my night to shine! I was packed up, had a cold ride to New York, although I was so excited I stayed warm. When I saw the band, I cried. Page got mustard on his shirt. I felt bad but so happy. We did the stunt, caught up, went to Vermont for a week and hung out. It was so great. The five of us, back together."

"And here I am, sent back to the museum to dangle 20 feet in the air. Awesome. Fucking awesome. Is it wrong to say that I just want them inside me again? Can't I go on tour too? It could be a thing, where I come out every show or two, they ride in on me, I dance The Meatstick dance. Oh the potential. But no, they nixed that and reminded me they were a four-piece band." The hot dog wept. "That was the saddest point of my life."

While the hot dog is hanging in the museum, thousands of fans each week take pictures of the hot dog as well as fries and shake. Still, the hot dog longs to be on the ground floor of the building. "The fries and shake are way down there. Why can't I be down there too? People can't even touch me up here. Put me down, set me near the fries and shake, I at least want to be near them. All I long for is some contact, any contact. I get maintenance every month but that's nothing."

For now, the hot dog remains a fixture in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, hanging 20 feet high in he atrium of the museum. And it waits its next go around with Phish. The sooner, the better for this hot dog.

Ethiopian Jerry Haile Selassie wins The 101st Running of the First Annual Runaway Jim Memorial 5k Road Race

Surprising Phish fans around the globe, Ethiopian runner Jerry Haile Selassie won the 101st Running of the First Annual Runaway Jim Memorial 5k Road Race. While Phish fans cheered for him, it was a surprise to most that an Ethiopian would come all the way to America to win a simple 5K.

"Is that legit? I mean, can anyone who buys a ticket run in this? Seems a little unfair to the Phish fans who are runners, but if he's a phan, then I guess I can't complain" remarked Jake Sellers, who came in 10th among the men.

Running the 5K in 13:20, a course record, Jerry was outpacing all other individuals in the race, eschewing the complementary shots and beers that were held out for runners as they worked their way around the Watkins Glen International Racetrack. Upon completion, an unnamed individual wrapped Haile Selassie in a flag made in the design of Fishman's dress as he threw his hands up into the air and walked around the course finish area triumphantly.

Haile Selassie shared with The Phunion, "I have been on tour since Bethel and spent each day and day off running a 5K and improving my time steadily. Then, after Portsmouth I headed up to Watkins and began practicing in the area. I spent two weeks preparing for this race. I was determined to win and I did."

"Now where are those 5 bumps of K? I am going to rage face tonight."

Dave Schools crowned Yokozuna during Setbreak at Fuji Rock Fest

In an unprecedented move by Japan's commission on Sumo Wrestling, Dave Schools was crowned Yokozuna during setbreak of Widespread Panic's set on Saturday July 30th.

"His girth and ability to consume more sushi than even the greatest of Yokozunas in our thousand year history. A thousand blessings upon him!"

Schools in action

Schools recent cologne, Barbecue Sauce, debuted in Japan weeks earlier, prompting a familiar waft from the crowd and permeate the incense customary for the elevation to Yokozuna.

Takanoshi, a 'splead-head' from Osaka was front and center for the event. "School's power, skill and grace on stage make him a most qualified Rikishi. We are honored as Japanese to have him among our greatest sumo wrestlers.

Schools could not be reach for comment, as he was eating a small village during setbreak.

Schools shows off the location of the village he will consume now that he is a Yokozuna